People always ask me if my piercings and tattoos hurt.
Truth is physical pain is nothing compared to the pain I am feeling in my heart every single day.
Every waking moment.
Every morning when i open my eyes. Its like death knocking on my door.
Sometimes even in my sleep, when the night decide to give me nightmares about him.
How am i going to be really ok?
am i ever going to be ok?
Everyone is telling me the same thing.
- you will find the perfect one
- there will always be someone better
- one day you will find your silver lining
- he is not the one for you
- forget him and move on
I doubt. How am i suppose to be ok when half of my soul was ripped away from me. The love of my life left me.
sometimes i feel like God is prohibiting me from being happy again.
I guess when I finally figure out God's plan I'd be too broken to function.
These games that he is playing.
You know, everything about Jay fits.
Both of us are the eldest, i love it when we are the same age, with 2 younger sisters.
Both sisters same age.
I loved every single detail about him.
All his flaws.
Especially those dimples on his back and all the scars on his legs.
The little mole below his right eye.
His cute little ears which one is bigger than the other.
The color of his skin and the way it felt on mine.
His long fingers and his stupid habit of biting his nails.
He will always keep the nail on his left thumb super long. He says it's for him to scratch his butt.
The scar on his knuckle same like his dad.
His chest just nice for me.
His height just nice for me.
everything just falls into place.
I love that he is not too hairy, just the way i like it.
His crooked teeth.
oily face with lots of blemishes.
His thick black hair.
The sound of his voice. Just nice for me. not too loud and not too soft.
If i were to list out all the little things that i love about him, this blog would probably be endless.
little things about him makes it so perfect.
Just the way i like it.
Everyone says I am too picky, I wonder am i being picky by knowing what I want and what i like?
I am trying so hard to tell myself I will get over you one day, but right now it seems like me, myself is having the hardest time believing it.
Sometimes i just wish, i will just go into a very deep sleep and never wake up again.
because when i wake up, everything is in replay.
heartache. me trying to hold back my tears. me trying not to think about him. me trying to get over him. me trying not to cry about every single thing.
everything is on repeat.
until i close my eyes.
the fact that he will never love me again, the pain that i need to face everyday to accept this cruel fact.
the fact that one day i will see him love another girl another whore another slut.
all his promises that i am trying to forget.
Yes, I know he is just a guy.
just a guy stole my heart and soul.
Yes, he is just a guy.
just a guy that i loved so dearly.
This world is so unfair.
when he is out there sleeping with another girl and i am here, suffering from the sins of my past.
Many of my friends told me that all good guys are not available anymore.
I know.
I am the left over, like a rotten apple, or expired milk.
stale meat.
no one wants broken things.
I don't wish to have the most perfect guy in the world.
all i need is, a guy that is perfect for me.
-I really wish that i can just sleep and never wake up to feel this pain again-
Monday, 29 May 2017
Saturday, 27 May 2017
How long does it take?
Why am i still feeling like shit after this long.
I should be better
I should be happier.
But why am i still so sad.
My dad asked me:" How long do you need to get over him? 1 year 2 years or 10 years? He is out there enjoying his life, it is over. Other people get married 3 months after their wife passed away, and both of you are not even married."
He also asked me:" What about your life before him? You were fine without him for the last 20 years. Why does everything need to be about him now?"
Well dad, I don't know how long i need.
I really don't.
Who has the answer on how long does one need to mend their broken self back pieces by pieces.
I was only "fine" before him.
My answer to your questions - Have you ever been so in love with someone that you thought you could help, to pull him out of his misery, promised yourself you will not disappoint him like his dad and all his other exes.
Have you ever feel so connected to someone despite everything else.
When your eyes meet, you feel like there's only both of you.
Have you ever got your heart broken so bad, that doing everything and anythings seems to be useless?
That is my answer to your question.
Him, leaving me, makes me feel like I am a shitty person. like i am a piece of worthless shit.
I admit this must be Karma. The way i treated Faiz.
I must be a horrible person for this to happen to me.
Whenever I am around the places that we used to hang out, even in my car.
I feel so suffocated.
It feels so bad like the only way for me to feel better is to cut my heart out from my chest.
My friend told me that she only need few weeks to get over her ex, and start dating someone new.
Well, people. this is not happening now. Not at all.
Prince charming does not exist.
No one is hitting on me, texting me, not even going out with me.
All I can say is, I am not skinny, pretty, petite like all the girls that guys want to fuck.
I am just me a fat soul trying to love and accept herself after all these years.
After all these years, I am not the girl that is constantly hating on her body.
I am not constantly trying to fit in, or to get people to like me.
I am not the girl that begs for friends and attention anymore.
and I have grown to like to person I am today.
I fought so hard just to like myself a little bit more.
reality is. people do not like fat souls like me.
no matter how brilliant i can be or how crazy i am. just not the girl that you want to introduce to your friends.
I get it. I really do. Everyone loves nice and pretty things.
but the fact that to change who I am, to get "boyfriends" disgust me.
I still miss you a lot.
Whenever something big happen, or how tired i am because of work.
Everything about life just reminds me that I do not have you to text, i do not have you to call.
Everything about life just reminds me that you do not love me anymore.
maybe she or which ever whore out there with you now is good for you.
and i am better off alone.
No one is there to fill the empty black hole in my heart.
all i have left of us is our memories.
Our best memories are my worst nightmares.
"You have me" a simple text that was not meant for me, sent by a friend in a group whatsapp. For a split second, I thought I saw your name appear on my phone screen, telling me i still have you, or maybe in another dimension.
Not here. not reality.
You don't know how pathetic my life can be. you made the right choice. leaving me.
I think you did.
Irony is, you don't remember anything about us. I think you even forgot how to spell my name.
I bet if someone mention about me to you, you will just brush it off by some silly jokes. or just by ignoring them.
Silver lining?
I think my silver lining will be accepting that life is not a Disney movie, or fairy tales stories from my childhood.
Silver lining is me accepting I will never find true love because it doesn't exist.
truth is, I am so certain and sure that i will be living alone and that breaks my heart.
The fact that you will never text me or call me again.
The fact that this breakup is a relieve for you and a torture for me.
The fact that i will never see your face or feel your love again, kills me every day.
Honestly, I am already dead inside, there's nothing more to kill.
God, just leave me alone. Faiz is happily married now, i guess the Karma cycle is completed.
Please just stop this punishment.
I should be better
I should be happier.
But why am i still so sad.
My dad asked me:" How long do you need to get over him? 1 year 2 years or 10 years? He is out there enjoying his life, it is over. Other people get married 3 months after their wife passed away, and both of you are not even married."
He also asked me:" What about your life before him? You were fine without him for the last 20 years. Why does everything need to be about him now?"
Well dad, I don't know how long i need.
I really don't.
Who has the answer on how long does one need to mend their broken self back pieces by pieces.
I was only "fine" before him.
My answer to your questions - Have you ever been so in love with someone that you thought you could help, to pull him out of his misery, promised yourself you will not disappoint him like his dad and all his other exes.
Have you ever feel so connected to someone despite everything else.
When your eyes meet, you feel like there's only both of you.
Have you ever got your heart broken so bad, that doing everything and anythings seems to be useless?
That is my answer to your question.
Him, leaving me, makes me feel like I am a shitty person. like i am a piece of worthless shit.
I admit this must be Karma. The way i treated Faiz.
I must be a horrible person for this to happen to me.
Whenever I am around the places that we used to hang out, even in my car.
I feel so suffocated.
It feels so bad like the only way for me to feel better is to cut my heart out from my chest.
My friend told me that she only need few weeks to get over her ex, and start dating someone new.
Well, people. this is not happening now. Not at all.
Prince charming does not exist.
No one is hitting on me, texting me, not even going out with me.
All I can say is, I am not skinny, pretty, petite like all the girls that guys want to fuck.
I am just me a fat soul trying to love and accept herself after all these years.
After all these years, I am not the girl that is constantly hating on her body.
I am not constantly trying to fit in, or to get people to like me.
I am not the girl that begs for friends and attention anymore.
and I have grown to like to person I am today.
I fought so hard just to like myself a little bit more.
reality is. people do not like fat souls like me.
no matter how brilliant i can be or how crazy i am. just not the girl that you want to introduce to your friends.
I get it. I really do. Everyone loves nice and pretty things.
but the fact that to change who I am, to get "boyfriends" disgust me.
I still miss you a lot.
Whenever something big happen, or how tired i am because of work.
Everything about life just reminds me that I do not have you to text, i do not have you to call.
Everything about life just reminds me that you do not love me anymore.
maybe she or which ever whore out there with you now is good for you.
and i am better off alone.
No one is there to fill the empty black hole in my heart.
all i have left of us is our memories.
Our best memories are my worst nightmares.
"You have me" a simple text that was not meant for me, sent by a friend in a group whatsapp. For a split second, I thought I saw your name appear on my phone screen, telling me i still have you, or maybe in another dimension.
Not here. not reality.
You don't know how pathetic my life can be. you made the right choice. leaving me.
I think you did.
Irony is, you don't remember anything about us. I think you even forgot how to spell my name.
I bet if someone mention about me to you, you will just brush it off by some silly jokes. or just by ignoring them.
Silver lining?
I think my silver lining will be accepting that life is not a Disney movie, or fairy tales stories from my childhood.
Silver lining is me accepting I will never find true love because it doesn't exist.
truth is, I am so certain and sure that i will be living alone and that breaks my heart.
The fact that you will never text me or call me again.
The fact that this breakup is a relieve for you and a torture for me.
The fact that i will never see your face or feel your love again, kills me every day.
Honestly, I am already dead inside, there's nothing more to kill.
God, just leave me alone. Faiz is happily married now, i guess the Karma cycle is completed.
Please just stop this punishment.
Friday, 19 May 2017
What happiness mean to you?
You once told me real happiness come from simple little things.
Rich people, they may be rich but they are not happy.
They can have all the money in the world but they can never buy happiness, like what we had.
Walking in the park, vaping on the lake.
Taking in the evening sun.
You bringing me to explore things, you showed me so many.
You gave me hope, excitement.
You taught me simple happiness.
I was so ready to be with you, you showed me how our forever would look like.
You promised you would write a song for our wedding.
We would get married and have a simple happy life.
You told me you were ready.
You made me realized I wasn't really happy before us.
Don't get me wrong I am forever grateful for what my parents gave me.
But with him, it was different.
He showed me, not just to see things with my eyes but my heart.
and here i wish to tell you, I am still the same girl that did not, will not ever care about your status, education race or religion.
I loved your soul, it felt like i finally found the missing pair of sock, the lost hair tie, the bobby pins that i dropped.
I wish you loved mine.
How can someone this perfect, just left me to die.
You swear to the stars that you wont leave me, but you did, twice.
Is leaving me your happiness?
what does happiness really mean to you?
After you left, happiness followed.
I was beyond lost. It felt like i was blind folded, in a maze, forced to find the exit.
Time, i would say, helped.
I started to feel like i can be happy again.
When I was talking to my street friends, i realised that everyone came to the city, full of hope and dreams, sadly not all hopes and dreams can be granted by the city.
They became what they had to when the city fails them.
I love walking with a bunch of people around the city, on Wednesday night just to catch a glimpse of hope in their eyes when we talk to them.
Telling us their stories, hoping that one day someone can help them, or just to understand their decision.
He is also the reason i stopped reading, watching, romance books, movies.
because what i had with him was far better, it was real.
but you left.
-They said spring is the season for love, I wonder will I ever find love or will love ever find me?-
I guess not.
Rich people, they may be rich but they are not happy.
They can have all the money in the world but they can never buy happiness, like what we had.
Walking in the park, vaping on the lake.
Taking in the evening sun.
You bringing me to explore things, you showed me so many.
You gave me hope, excitement.
You taught me simple happiness.
I was so ready to be with you, you showed me how our forever would look like.
You promised you would write a song for our wedding.
We would get married and have a simple happy life.
You told me you were ready.
You made me realized I wasn't really happy before us.
Don't get me wrong I am forever grateful for what my parents gave me.
But with him, it was different.
He showed me, not just to see things with my eyes but my heart.
and here i wish to tell you, I am still the same girl that did not, will not ever care about your status, education race or religion.
I loved your soul, it felt like i finally found the missing pair of sock, the lost hair tie, the bobby pins that i dropped.
I wish you loved mine.
How can someone this perfect, just left me to die.
You swear to the stars that you wont leave me, but you did, twice.
Is leaving me your happiness?
what does happiness really mean to you?
After you left, happiness followed.
I was beyond lost. It felt like i was blind folded, in a maze, forced to find the exit.
Time, i would say, helped.
I started to feel like i can be happy again.
When I was talking to my street friends, i realised that everyone came to the city, full of hope and dreams, sadly not all hopes and dreams can be granted by the city.
They became what they had to when the city fails them.
I love walking with a bunch of people around the city, on Wednesday night just to catch a glimpse of hope in their eyes when we talk to them.
Telling us their stories, hoping that one day someone can help them, or just to understand their decision.
He is also the reason i stopped reading, watching, romance books, movies.
because what i had with him was far better, it was real.
but you left.
-They said spring is the season for love, I wonder will I ever find love or will love ever find me?-
I guess not.
Thursday, 11 May 2017
I hate you
Today, well part of today is not a really good day for me.
I hate days like this.
When trouble comes knocking on my door.
I would always want you with me.
all i need is just to tell you how horrible i felt.
how i need you to hug me and tell me it's fine and you are here.
Letting go is no easy journey, but i can feel like I am half way there.
I have happy days most of the time,
but when I am sad, like now, and today, i know i can and i will get through this.
dark clouds are not above me anymore.
I learn how to love myself more.
I did everything i could, travel, watch movies, hangout with friends.
I even stopped smoking.
But I sometimes blame God, or fate.
Why let our path cross if he is going to hurt me this bad?
Why even bother to love me Jay?
Why do you need to treat me like i am your everything and lock me out as you like?
Why even bother to say "I love you" the day before you decided to break up with me?
Just tell me you don't love me anymore and end it like a man.
Why do you need to make my life and other people's life difficult because of you?
You selfish ass hole!
I hate you Jay.
I hate all of our good and nice memories.
I hate how nice you were to me.
I hate how much I miss you is never going to bring jayyoke back.
I hate you Jay.
you dumb fuck.
you coward.
you heartless piece of shit.
I hate how you make me feel so in love and complete but shatter my whole world just by a whatsapp message.
I hate that you were never sad or scard to leave me. To destroy us.
I hate how you used to promise me, you will never ever let me go.
I hate how you used to say you will fight for us.
I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel when we hold hands and all the hugs and kisses, how we fit so well together.
I hate how you make me feel like you are my missing piece, my the other half my soulmate.
I hate how you make me feel like I will never meet anyone better.
I hate you when you run away from problems instead of solving it.
I hate the empty feeling on my ring finger where my favourite ring. My birthday ring. The ring you gave me in front of your mother used to be.
I hate it when i dont know what the fuck were you thinking when you told people "yoke ni lain, u xknal dia, you xthu mcm mne dia sayang i. Thats y tak kisah brape jauh kite prgi, brape teruk kite gaduh. At the end of the day we will still come back to each other."
What the fuck were you talking about?
I hate you Jay.
I hate how heartless you are. How i meant nothing to you.
I hate it when you said "I dah tak sayang you and you dah boleh cari yang lain"
I hate it when you can be so cruel and as if 3 years of us means nothing, as if i am just another girl another ex.
I hate you when you told me you knew i was the one, yet end up leaving me.
I hate it when you said you were so ready to start a family with me yet end up leaving me.
I hate the fact that I am just another one of your useless exes.
I hate the fact that you are going to tell your new girlfriend bad things about your past relationship just like you used to.
I hate you, i feel so unfair. I did not cheat, i did not do anything to hurt you this bad.
It is so unfair.
I hate that i loved you with my heart and soul.
I hate that i did not give up on us the 1st time you left.
I hate that i remember every single shit about you but you can erase them all.
Like the few times i rushed you to the hospital when your allergies attack.
When was always there for you. With you. Support you.
You dont remember anything.
I hate you Jay.
I hate the feeling when other people exes come back to them and i know no matter how much i cry or wish, you will never come back.
I hate you so much because of you i met the shittiest guys on fucking dating Apps.
I hate the way you treated me because now it seems like no one can ever make me feel so happy.
I hate the feeling of missing us, missing your texts and waiting for you to come get me.
I hate passing by each and every single place that we used to hang out.
Fuck I hate staying at home. I hate it when your house is right in front of my balcony.
I hate listening to songs that we used to sing and songs you sang just for me.
I hate you Jay.
whenever i pass by Jalan Genting Klang or Titiwangsa, i would always remember our evening bike rides.
when i would lift up the helmet, feeling the evening breeze across my face, and you would hold my hands and kiss them.
I miss those beautiful sun sets while riding on your bike and you would hold my hand and pull me closer.
I hate you.
I hate it whenever I write about things like this people would say i am not over you.
fact is i am trying my very best.
I don't think i have ever tried this hard to do anything.
I hate you Jay and the memories you gave me.
I hate you when you can heartlessly throw away the 365 notes I wrote to you on your 25th Birthday.
I hate you when I know you never read the apology letter I wrote to you after the break up.
I hate myself for loving you.
It is and will be the biggest mistake of my life.
I hate myself for trusting you so much.
I hate you Jay.
I hate that you never did appreciate me when i was always with you to support during your online competition.
you never appreciate the fact that your friends and i used to play CS together.
you never appreciate me willing to give up so many things for you.
I hate to remember the good thing your friends used to say about us.
I hate when i remember how happy we were with your family.
I hate you Jay.
I hate you when you never realize that you are childish and stupid.
I hate when you said "I bodoh sebab i pilih you"
I hate you Jay
sometimes i wish that you were dead.
I hate you.
all in all. I hate that life seems to be so unfair, when he can be the happy one and me here struggling each day to get better.
I hate that he is my Karma.
I hate your name. I hate how perfect we used to be.
I hate you.
I really wish you never exist.
Jay, kalau nak sangat tukar number tu, baik tukar rumah, tukar IC sekali.
Tukar alamat ke, tukar jantina lagi bagus.
You are so fucked up.
I hate i dont know when would i ever stop writing about you.
I hate you, you balless ass hole.
-Boleh Pergi Mampus-
I hate days like this.
When trouble comes knocking on my door.
I would always want you with me.
all i need is just to tell you how horrible i felt.
how i need you to hug me and tell me it's fine and you are here.
Letting go is no easy journey, but i can feel like I am half way there.
I have happy days most of the time,
but when I am sad, like now, and today, i know i can and i will get through this.
dark clouds are not above me anymore.
I learn how to love myself more.
I did everything i could, travel, watch movies, hangout with friends.
I even stopped smoking.
But I sometimes blame God, or fate.
Why let our path cross if he is going to hurt me this bad?
Why even bother to love me Jay?
Why do you need to treat me like i am your everything and lock me out as you like?
Why even bother to say "I love you" the day before you decided to break up with me?
Just tell me you don't love me anymore and end it like a man.
Why do you need to make my life and other people's life difficult because of you?
You selfish ass hole!
I hate you Jay.
I hate all of our good and nice memories.
I hate how nice you were to me.
I hate how much I miss you is never going to bring jayyoke back.
I hate you Jay.
you dumb fuck.
you coward.
you heartless piece of shit.
I hate how you make me feel so in love and complete but shatter my whole world just by a whatsapp message.
I hate that you were never sad or scard to leave me. To destroy us.
I hate how you used to promise me, you will never ever let me go.
I hate how you used to say you will fight for us.
I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel when we hold hands and all the hugs and kisses, how we fit so well together.
I hate how you make me feel like you are my missing piece, my the other half my soulmate.
I hate how you make me feel like I will never meet anyone better.
I hate you when you run away from problems instead of solving it.
I hate the empty feeling on my ring finger where my favourite ring. My birthday ring. The ring you gave me in front of your mother used to be.
I hate it when i dont know what the fuck were you thinking when you told people "yoke ni lain, u xknal dia, you xthu mcm mne dia sayang i. Thats y tak kisah brape jauh kite prgi, brape teruk kite gaduh. At the end of the day we will still come back to each other."
What the fuck were you talking about?
I hate you Jay.
I hate how heartless you are. How i meant nothing to you.
I hate it when you said "I dah tak sayang you and you dah boleh cari yang lain"
I hate it when you can be so cruel and as if 3 years of us means nothing, as if i am just another girl another ex.
I hate you when you told me you knew i was the one, yet end up leaving me.
I hate it when you said you were so ready to start a family with me yet end up leaving me.
I hate the fact that I am just another one of your useless exes.
I hate the fact that you are going to tell your new girlfriend bad things about your past relationship just like you used to.
I hate you, i feel so unfair. I did not cheat, i did not do anything to hurt you this bad.
It is so unfair.
I hate that i loved you with my heart and soul.
I hate that i did not give up on us the 1st time you left.
I hate that i remember every single shit about you but you can erase them all.
Like the few times i rushed you to the hospital when your allergies attack.
When was always there for you. With you. Support you.
You dont remember anything.
I hate you Jay.
I hate the feeling when other people exes come back to them and i know no matter how much i cry or wish, you will never come back.
I hate you so much because of you i met the shittiest guys on fucking dating Apps.
I hate the way you treated me because now it seems like no one can ever make me feel so happy.
I hate the feeling of missing us, missing your texts and waiting for you to come get me.
I hate passing by each and every single place that we used to hang out.
Fuck I hate staying at home. I hate it when your house is right in front of my balcony.
I hate listening to songs that we used to sing and songs you sang just for me.
I hate you Jay.
whenever i pass by Jalan Genting Klang or Titiwangsa, i would always remember our evening bike rides.
when i would lift up the helmet, feeling the evening breeze across my face, and you would hold my hands and kiss them.
I miss those beautiful sun sets while riding on your bike and you would hold my hand and pull me closer.
I hate you.
I hate it whenever I write about things like this people would say i am not over you.
fact is i am trying my very best.
I don't think i have ever tried this hard to do anything.
I hate you Jay and the memories you gave me.
I hate you when you can heartlessly throw away the 365 notes I wrote to you on your 25th Birthday.
I hate you when I know you never read the apology letter I wrote to you after the break up.
I hate myself for loving you.
It is and will be the biggest mistake of my life.
I hate myself for trusting you so much.
I hate you Jay.
I hate that you never did appreciate me when i was always with you to support during your online competition.
you never appreciate the fact that your friends and i used to play CS together.
you never appreciate me willing to give up so many things for you.
I hate to remember the good thing your friends used to say about us.
I hate when i remember how happy we were with your family.
I hate you Jay.
I hate you when you never realize that you are childish and stupid.
I hate when you said "I bodoh sebab i pilih you"
I hate you Jay
sometimes i wish that you were dead.
I hate you.
all in all. I hate that life seems to be so unfair, when he can be the happy one and me here struggling each day to get better.
I hate that he is my Karma.
I hate your name. I hate how perfect we used to be.
I hate you.
I really wish you never exist.
Jay, kalau nak sangat tukar number tu, baik tukar rumah, tukar IC sekali.
Tukar alamat ke, tukar jantina lagi bagus.
You are so fucked up.
I hate i dont know when would i ever stop writing about you.
I hate you, you balless ass hole.
-Boleh Pergi Mampus-
Saturday, 15 April 2017
Letter for Jay's new girlfriend
I met Jay yesterday, basically ambushed him at his work place.
I just wanted closure, to talk and to really understand the core of the breakup.
Or maybe I missed him and i really just want to meet him.
Now a days I can't tell what my heart and brain wants anymore.
Everything gone haywire.
I was lying too much to myself, I kept forcing myself to believe that I had moved on and I am happy.
Maybe I still am but, I think from now on, I am just going to acknowledge those feelings.
I am not going to hate myself for crying for myself,
I am not going to hate myself for missing Jay and the fact that we will never be together
I am not going to hate myself for letting the story of jayyoke ends.
I am going to tell myself that, whatever we had, ended. just like everything that stars, will end.
You know how it feels when your favorite TV series comes to an end but it is not the ending you wanted. Yup, that is exactly how i felt for the longest time.
I kept asking myself why why why. so many questions that i cant let go.
That's why i went to him yesterday, we did not fight or quarrel or beating each other up.
We talked, for a very short while and he was rushing back home.
Perhaps to his new girl.
so here it goes.
Dear Jay's new bitch,
Yes I am going to call you a bitch, because, you have him now and I know how loving this guy can be.
Of course i am fucking jealous.
anyways congratulations, you have his heart now. Oh bitch you better be careful.
Jay can be an ass hole sometimes. He is selfish, i dont blame him though, his fucked up childhood made him that way.
He can sometimes be heartless and cruel.
well he is to his exes.
so you better pray that you don't become one of them.
He craves love, and he will appreciate it if you love his music.
He love to be praised, he thinks he is super hot, which is not really not the case. well for me of course he is, tall dark and handsome and all.
He loves his dimples and his vampire tooth.
He used to love sports a lot. So push that mother fucker sometimes ok. force him to go work out. cuz i know he misses how fit he was.
He is very proud of his achievements as a gamer. people used to call him Legend. Bean Snakee whatever bullshit.
Oh and please don't stop him from hanging out with his friends at the cyber cafe. dont stop him from playing online games, because it is part of him.
He will really appreciate it if you give him his space.
because at the end of the day, he will always come back to you.
The down side of him is, he is still traumatized by this car accident he had when he was young, I am not sure if he owns a driving license by the time you read this.
But if he has, well, congratulations.
You know, I was the one that encouraged him to get a motor license. So if he is bringing you on bike rides without feeling guilty, all thanks to me. We have our very own secret hand shake. We were a team.
We used to hike up FIRM 4 times in a day.
Too bad if you aint fit. Try to beat that! Hah.
Please remember that he is allergic to seafood. No seafood for that fucker.
Oh ya and he has this skin rashes if he is too hot or if he goes to the gym.
His body will be super itchy and he will be fucking grumpy.
Just be patient and hold his hands, stop him from scratching and tell him everything is going to be alright and fucking rush him to the hospital.
He has this steroid cream with him to temporary stop his allergies, ask for the brand and go get it from the pharmacy.
I don't think it's cheap but bitch, i pray that you have money. hah!
I left a permanent mark on his leg, you can ask him about that :)
I have our initials tattooed at the back of my ear.
He love food. But, he can be very picky sometimes, he will only eat certain vegy. well that is up to you to explore.
He always drinks before he eat and will never drink during his meal, he will only drink after he finishes his food and he has this weird habit of dripping his drinks on all the plates after he finishes his food.
His mom told him murah rezeki.
Remember to text him good morning and good night everyday, because it is important to him.
Oh ya and don't forget the kisses emoji. You can't forget the kisses and hearts emoji. He loves them.
He loves karaok, so indulge him once a while, its a bonus if you have great voice, but if u don't doesn't matter, he wont mind.
Jay don't like conflicts. so if you have anything that you want to fight about, bitch you better shut the fuck up because he will end up leaving you.
He thinks that he is always right, even when he does something wrong, he will somehow blame you for it.
Like the time i found out he was texting another girl.
He said it was because we are always fighting and he needed someone to talk to.
FUCKING BULLSHIT.
You better be careful. he can be a mother fucking liar sometimes.
He is really hard working, so you don't need to worry about him slacking.
He loves kid. Oh ya, if he tells you that he wants to name his futur son Nasri, please remember we thought of this name together and that kid was suppose to be named Nasri Ong, and Nasrina Ong.
Burn bitch!
We rescued kittens together and had a cat name Daisy.
She was our 1st baby.
Oh and he hates promoters approaching him because like i said, he pussy, and he has issue with his self esteem, he hates rich people, so if you have rich friends, he will not, i repeat he will not join you guys, or he will be very reluctant.
You need to be really resourceful and good at managing things because you will need to be his Personal Assistant once in a while.
You better be good at organising shits. He need that.
He need people to help him with his resume, opening an online banking account for him, and things like that.
He can't handle anything.
He don't know how to make hotel reservations or any other reservations.
He can't plan any surprises because he will end up telling you everything that he is going to do for you.
He hates people forcing him doing things that he don't want to and he will always think for himself 1st.
He express love in a different way, he will do things for you scarifies his sleep for you if he really loves you.
We always have this annual trip. Bitch you better be good at planing, and please remind him to save his money in his second account, because i taught him that.
Just remember every good thing that you are enjoying now. Is because of me.
He used to be a technician wearing old dirty clothes to work and because of me,
he found a better job, wearing real smart to work everyday.
Me and him, we are the same. Just remember that he used to tell me
"no matter how far we go, or whatever happen to us, we will always come back to each other"
He told me that bitch but he left me anyway, so you better be careful.
He loves his mom, his mom is the coolest. I love her too.
Oh ya i met his entire family, including his aunts, and they gave me a malay name "Yuhanis"
His friends and family loves me, they can joke and laugh with me, so bitch you better step up your game.
He used to write me a song "Janji Jaga Cinta", i taught him his 1st Chinese song.
and all the English songs he is singing to you, he used to sing it to me too.
and i used to fall asleep on his lap while he was playing the guitar and singing.
Oh and if he tells you that, "no girls have ever done this to me or i love you" you better don't believe it completely because that is what the always say to me.
He told me i was the one. that he would fight for us and he would be like Shahrukhan and show my family that he can take care of me.
Well guess what, he gave up.
If he is bringing you to fancy place for dinner, you better pray that it wasn't the place me and him used to date.
He is stupid and forgetful sometimes, you just need to remind him and he will be fine.
He loves stopping by to watch busking and yes Bob sentuhan knows him and me.
Jay used to sing with him and sang me a song in public told everyone that i am his beloved.
Start getting jealous bitch.
Oh ya, he, will not. i repeat. will not have any plans for his or your birthday.
Good luck girl.
He do not know how to surprise you so, just live with that.
You will feel so shitty that you have a useless boyfriend that do not know how to plan your birthday.
He can be useless to sometimes, ya ask him about what happen with me and him at H1.
I bet he will not tell you.
Because he is. and will always be a coward.
Not sure if his new girl friend understands my English. Mana tahu girlfriend baru minah rempitz that can't read English just like him.
Or some school girl that still types L1K3 tH1$.
Or he got lucky and found a rich bitch, anyway. This is a letter for you bitch, in case you are stalking his ex.
I gotta tell you, in his heart, i will forever be, the one that got away. No matter how many times you ask him and how many times he deny.
I know him better than you do.
We grew up, went through shits.
He will always be comparing you to me, so you better pray that you are good enough for him.
Sorry that you will always be living under my shadow.
After all the nasty shit that i say about him, at the end of the day only me and i can say shit to him.
Bitch you better pray that you will not be one of his exes like me, because when he is in love, he will make you feel like to luckiest happiest girl in the world.
but when the time comes and he decided to leave you, girl. you better prepare a gun, and kill yourself, because you will never recover from the pain.
unless you are like me, but of course, you will never be.
All in all, i will hate you no matter how nice you are.
most sincerely,
Yoke :)
I just wanted closure, to talk and to really understand the core of the breakup.
Or maybe I missed him and i really just want to meet him.
Now a days I can't tell what my heart and brain wants anymore.
Everything gone haywire.
I was lying too much to myself, I kept forcing myself to believe that I had moved on and I am happy.
Maybe I still am but, I think from now on, I am just going to acknowledge those feelings.
I am not going to hate myself for crying for myself,
I am not going to hate myself for missing Jay and the fact that we will never be together
I am not going to hate myself for letting the story of jayyoke ends.
I am going to tell myself that, whatever we had, ended. just like everything that stars, will end.
You know how it feels when your favorite TV series comes to an end but it is not the ending you wanted. Yup, that is exactly how i felt for the longest time.
I kept asking myself why why why. so many questions that i cant let go.
That's why i went to him yesterday, we did not fight or quarrel or beating each other up.
We talked, for a very short while and he was rushing back home.
Perhaps to his new girl.
so here it goes.
Dear Jay's new bitch,
Yes I am going to call you a bitch, because, you have him now and I know how loving this guy can be.
Of course i am fucking jealous.
anyways congratulations, you have his heart now. Oh bitch you better be careful.
Jay can be an ass hole sometimes. He is selfish, i dont blame him though, his fucked up childhood made him that way.
He can sometimes be heartless and cruel.
well he is to his exes.
so you better pray that you don't become one of them.
He craves love, and he will appreciate it if you love his music.
He love to be praised, he thinks he is super hot, which is not really not the case. well for me of course he is, tall dark and handsome and all.
He loves his dimples and his vampire tooth.
He used to love sports a lot. So push that mother fucker sometimes ok. force him to go work out. cuz i know he misses how fit he was.
He is very proud of his achievements as a gamer. people used to call him Legend. Bean Snakee whatever bullshit.
Oh and please don't stop him from hanging out with his friends at the cyber cafe. dont stop him from playing online games, because it is part of him.
He will really appreciate it if you give him his space.
because at the end of the day, he will always come back to you.
The down side of him is, he is still traumatized by this car accident he had when he was young, I am not sure if he owns a driving license by the time you read this.
But if he has, well, congratulations.
You know, I was the one that encouraged him to get a motor license. So if he is bringing you on bike rides without feeling guilty, all thanks to me. We have our very own secret hand shake. We were a team.
We used to hike up FIRM 4 times in a day.
Too bad if you aint fit. Try to beat that! Hah.
Please remember that he is allergic to seafood. No seafood for that fucker.
Oh ya and he has this skin rashes if he is too hot or if he goes to the gym.
His body will be super itchy and he will be fucking grumpy.
Just be patient and hold his hands, stop him from scratching and tell him everything is going to be alright and fucking rush him to the hospital.
He has this steroid cream with him to temporary stop his allergies, ask for the brand and go get it from the pharmacy.
I don't think it's cheap but bitch, i pray that you have money. hah!
I left a permanent mark on his leg, you can ask him about that :)
I have our initials tattooed at the back of my ear.
He love food. But, he can be very picky sometimes, he will only eat certain vegy. well that is up to you to explore.
He always drinks before he eat and will never drink during his meal, he will only drink after he finishes his food and he has this weird habit of dripping his drinks on all the plates after he finishes his food.
His mom told him murah rezeki.
Remember to text him good morning and good night everyday, because it is important to him.
Oh ya and don't forget the kisses emoji. You can't forget the kisses and hearts emoji. He loves them.
He loves karaok, so indulge him once a while, its a bonus if you have great voice, but if u don't doesn't matter, he wont mind.
Jay don't like conflicts. so if you have anything that you want to fight about, bitch you better shut the fuck up because he will end up leaving you.
He thinks that he is always right, even when he does something wrong, he will somehow blame you for it.
Like the time i found out he was texting another girl.
He said it was because we are always fighting and he needed someone to talk to.
FUCKING BULLSHIT.
You better be careful. he can be a mother fucking liar sometimes.
He is really hard working, so you don't need to worry about him slacking.
He loves kid. Oh ya, if he tells you that he wants to name his futur son Nasri, please remember we thought of this name together and that kid was suppose to be named Nasri Ong, and Nasrina Ong.
Burn bitch!
We rescued kittens together and had a cat name Daisy.
She was our 1st baby.
Oh and he hates promoters approaching him because like i said, he pussy, and he has issue with his self esteem, he hates rich people, so if you have rich friends, he will not, i repeat he will not join you guys, or he will be very reluctant.
You need to be really resourceful and good at managing things because you will need to be his Personal Assistant once in a while.
You better be good at organising shits. He need that.
He need people to help him with his resume, opening an online banking account for him, and things like that.
He can't handle anything.
He don't know how to make hotel reservations or any other reservations.
He can't plan any surprises because he will end up telling you everything that he is going to do for you.
He hates people forcing him doing things that he don't want to and he will always think for himself 1st.
He express love in a different way, he will do things for you scarifies his sleep for you if he really loves you.
We always have this annual trip. Bitch you better be good at planing, and please remind him to save his money in his second account, because i taught him that.
Just remember every good thing that you are enjoying now. Is because of me.
He used to be a technician wearing old dirty clothes to work and because of me,
he found a better job, wearing real smart to work everyday.
Me and him, we are the same. Just remember that he used to tell me
"no matter how far we go, or whatever happen to us, we will always come back to each other"
He told me that bitch but he left me anyway, so you better be careful.
He loves his mom, his mom is the coolest. I love her too.
Oh ya i met his entire family, including his aunts, and they gave me a malay name "Yuhanis"
His friends and family loves me, they can joke and laugh with me, so bitch you better step up your game.
He used to write me a song "Janji Jaga Cinta", i taught him his 1st Chinese song.
and all the English songs he is singing to you, he used to sing it to me too.
and i used to fall asleep on his lap while he was playing the guitar and singing.
Oh and if he tells you that, "no girls have ever done this to me or i love you" you better don't believe it completely because that is what the always say to me.
He told me i was the one. that he would fight for us and he would be like Shahrukhan and show my family that he can take care of me.
Well guess what, he gave up.
If he is bringing you to fancy place for dinner, you better pray that it wasn't the place me and him used to date.
He is stupid and forgetful sometimes, you just need to remind him and he will be fine.
He loves stopping by to watch busking and yes Bob sentuhan knows him and me.
Jay used to sing with him and sang me a song in public told everyone that i am his beloved.
Start getting jealous bitch.
Oh ya, he, will not. i repeat. will not have any plans for his or your birthday.
Good luck girl.
He do not know how to surprise you so, just live with that.
You will feel so shitty that you have a useless boyfriend that do not know how to plan your birthday.
He can be useless to sometimes, ya ask him about what happen with me and him at H1.
I bet he will not tell you.
Because he is. and will always be a coward.
Not sure if his new girl friend understands my English. Mana tahu girlfriend baru minah rempitz that can't read English just like him.
Or some school girl that still types L1K3 tH1$.
Or he got lucky and found a rich bitch, anyway. This is a letter for you bitch, in case you are stalking his ex.
I gotta tell you, in his heart, i will forever be, the one that got away. No matter how many times you ask him and how many times he deny.
I know him better than you do.
We grew up, went through shits.
He will always be comparing you to me, so you better pray that you are good enough for him.
Sorry that you will always be living under my shadow.
After all the nasty shit that i say about him, at the end of the day only me and i can say shit to him.
Bitch you better pray that you will not be one of his exes like me, because when he is in love, he will make you feel like to luckiest happiest girl in the world.
but when the time comes and he decided to leave you, girl. you better prepare a gun, and kill yourself, because you will never recover from the pain.
unless you are like me, but of course, you will never be.
All in all, i will hate you no matter how nice you are.
most sincerely,
Yoke :)
Friday, 14 April 2017
Anxiety
I've been having anxieties. Unease restless feeling.
This is bad.
real bad.
I will randomly feel the urge to call you, text you, rush over to you.
I will feel mad and pissed and feel like punching you.
I will feel depressed.
No matter how hard i tried to push the thought and feelings away.
It just wont go. Its like a cloud hovering over me.
comes and go as it wish.
I found 2 ways to actually calm myself down.
chewing gum and cigarettes.
This is bad, i really thought that i am over you.
I thought that life isn't that bad after all.
My friends and family are super supportive and caring.
But yet. I can't. I honestly can't do it anymore.
People are telling me do not show my weakness to the world doesn't seem possible.
You seems perfectly fine.
I mean, I can't stalk you or anything because your pussy ass blocked me everywhere.
But by the sound of it, you seems to be doing real good.
I sometimes wonder, what on earth got into you.
was my mistake that big of a deal. Do i even deserve all these?
How could you?
After you said you love me.
Love is such a strong word to you.
After you said I was your soul mate.
I really hope that we can somehow talk.
I need closure.
I need to feel better, i can't let myself drown in this pool of misery forever.
I have no idea how, but i somehow wish that fate brings us back again.
After all that you have done, i still want you back.
I may be pissed and angry, but i really do will love you.
This is so fucked up.
Why is this so hard? I mean come on, why?
why can't i be as happy as him?
Blocking me on social media doesn't mean that you can erase our past.
I pray that our memories haunt you till your last breath.
The weather this week was horrible thunder storms and heavy rain.
I wonder if you still remember that i hate thunder and lightning.
Remember when we were at Eagle Ranch Resort for our 2nd annual trip, if i am not mistaken, it was pouring rain that night.
We were in our tiny little teepe room.
The thunder woke both of us up, you hugged me so tight, cover my ears till i fell asleep.
Whenever we were on bike rides, you would hold my hand so close to you and kiss them when we sang.
You were always nice to me.
I really worry that no one can ever top that off.
I guess we show each other our worst and our best.
Or am i the one that is haunted by my own memories.
This is bad.
real bad.
I will randomly feel the urge to call you, text you, rush over to you.
I will feel mad and pissed and feel like punching you.
I will feel depressed.
No matter how hard i tried to push the thought and feelings away.
It just wont go. Its like a cloud hovering over me.
comes and go as it wish.
I found 2 ways to actually calm myself down.
chewing gum and cigarettes.
This is bad, i really thought that i am over you.
I thought that life isn't that bad after all.
My friends and family are super supportive and caring.
But yet. I can't. I honestly can't do it anymore.
People are telling me do not show my weakness to the world doesn't seem possible.
You seems perfectly fine.
I mean, I can't stalk you or anything because your pussy ass blocked me everywhere.
But by the sound of it, you seems to be doing real good.
I sometimes wonder, what on earth got into you.
was my mistake that big of a deal. Do i even deserve all these?
How could you?
After you said you love me.
Love is such a strong word to you.
After you said I was your soul mate.
I really hope that we can somehow talk.
I need closure.
I need to feel better, i can't let myself drown in this pool of misery forever.
I have no idea how, but i somehow wish that fate brings us back again.
After all that you have done, i still want you back.
I may be pissed and angry, but i really do will love you.
This is so fucked up.
Why is this so hard? I mean come on, why?
why can't i be as happy as him?
Blocking me on social media doesn't mean that you can erase our past.
I pray that our memories haunt you till your last breath.
The weather this week was horrible thunder storms and heavy rain.
I wonder if you still remember that i hate thunder and lightning.
Remember when we were at Eagle Ranch Resort for our 2nd annual trip, if i am not mistaken, it was pouring rain that night.
We were in our tiny little teepe room.
The thunder woke both of us up, you hugged me so tight, cover my ears till i fell asleep.
Whenever we were on bike rides, you would hold my hand so close to you and kiss them when we sang.
You were always nice to me.
I really worry that no one can ever top that off.
I guess we show each other our worst and our best.
Or am i the one that is haunted by my own memories.
Thursday, 30 March 2017
Things you don't know
Things you don't know.
Despite everything that you know made you leave me.
There are tons of things that you don't know and will never know.
I doubt that you will even care anymore.
Things that you know
- leaving me makes you happy
- leaving me is letting a burden go
- leaving me is the best for you and only you.
- leaving me because you are tired and you never really love me
- leaving me because you gave up
- your ego is more important
Things that you don't know
- Me trying not to give up on life.
telling everyone and myself I am so much better
hoping that it helps
and today, yes today i realised i was never really getting better.
i was avoiding.
avoid feeling anything
avoid crying and being sad.
- i am lost, so lost that i don't know what to do, what i want with my life
- i feel so empty inside. and lonely
- i fake laugh a lot. because faking happiness is the only thing i can do now.
- i missed you a lot too.
- i think about us a lot, things that you said things that we did together
- every corner reminds me of you. of us and how we used to be.
- i lost hope in relationship and doubt that true love exist.
- i ate a lot, i drink, i started smoking a lot, i party just because it makes me forget about this pain
just for a few hours.
- i am trying so hard to be positive everyday just to feel better, just to survive through the day
- i thought i can be happy without you, i am really not sure now.
can i?
- pictures of other couple annoys the shit out of me.
- i am jealous, yes i am, i am jealous of my past.
- you, changed me fucked me up, fucked up my life.
- I still love you very much, and for a split second i wish you come back.
i really do.
- i wish you were dead, will it make me feel better?
- i wish i cheated of did bad things to you so i feel better that you left.
- i wish i was a controlling bitch and fuck up your life before you left, that would make me feel better.
- i doubt that there's anyone that will love me like you did.
So many things that you don't know.
What have you done?
Why did you do this to me?
What am i doing with my life.
How many prayers and wishes to make this pain go away?
How long will it take, for me to really live again?
It has been a while now since you left since we last met each other when is this going to end?
I don't think i can take it any longer.
I hate it when people say cliche things like
"you will feel better again, or you will find someone new that will appreciate and love you"
FUCK THAT.
seriously FUCK THAT
i know i wont.
i know it. i have used up all my luck.
it will never be the same again.
I know people that are reading this might think that i am stupid to waste
my time writing about an ass hole that will never read my blog or even care about me anymore but
bitches, this is my real emotions.
This is how i feel right now this very moment.
Judge as much as you want. I don't really give a fuck about my life, do you think i give about how you think of me?
- fuck off-
Despite everything that you know made you leave me.
There are tons of things that you don't know and will never know.
I doubt that you will even care anymore.
Things that you know
- leaving me makes you happy
- leaving me is letting a burden go
- leaving me is the best for you and only you.
- leaving me because you are tired and you never really love me
- leaving me because you gave up
- your ego is more important
Things that you don't know
- Me trying not to give up on life.
telling everyone and myself I am so much better
hoping that it helps
and today, yes today i realised i was never really getting better.
i was avoiding.
avoid feeling anything
avoid crying and being sad.
- i am lost, so lost that i don't know what to do, what i want with my life
- i feel so empty inside. and lonely
- i fake laugh a lot. because faking happiness is the only thing i can do now.
- i missed you a lot too.
- i think about us a lot, things that you said things that we did together
- every corner reminds me of you. of us and how we used to be.
- i lost hope in relationship and doubt that true love exist.
- i ate a lot, i drink, i started smoking a lot, i party just because it makes me forget about this pain
just for a few hours.
- i am trying so hard to be positive everyday just to feel better, just to survive through the day
- i thought i can be happy without you, i am really not sure now.
can i?
- pictures of other couple annoys the shit out of me.
- i am jealous, yes i am, i am jealous of my past.
- you, changed me fucked me up, fucked up my life.
- I still love you very much, and for a split second i wish you come back.
i really do.
- i wish you were dead, will it make me feel better?
- i wish i cheated of did bad things to you so i feel better that you left.
- i wish i was a controlling bitch and fuck up your life before you left, that would make me feel better.
- i doubt that there's anyone that will love me like you did.
So many things that you don't know.
What have you done?
Why did you do this to me?
What am i doing with my life.
How many prayers and wishes to make this pain go away?
How long will it take, for me to really live again?
It has been a while now since you left since we last met each other when is this going to end?
I don't think i can take it any longer.
I hate it when people say cliche things like
"you will feel better again, or you will find someone new that will appreciate and love you"
FUCK THAT.
seriously FUCK THAT
i know i wont.
i know it. i have used up all my luck.
it will never be the same again.
I know people that are reading this might think that i am stupid to waste
my time writing about an ass hole that will never read my blog or even care about me anymore but
bitches, this is my real emotions.
This is how i feel right now this very moment.
Judge as much as you want. I don't really give a fuck about my life, do you think i give about how you think of me?
- fuck off-
Saturday, 25 March 2017
teach me please.
I always like to think our relationship is like Hannah and Adam in Girls.
Adam is this crazy tall guy and Hanna is like me.
Our relationship is as dysfunctional like them, at the same time both were passionately crazy hopelessly in love.
they are like the fucked up version of us.
They broke up too. for some stupid reason.
Adam tried and is trying to move on.
well Hanna did, she tried but life just sucked her back into this Adam Hannah drama again and again.
"If it hurts, you will remember."
I am so drawn to broken people. I loved, love him because he is the way he is. Broken.
I don't know what fucked up mentality i have but this is just me.
The time when I looked back at old pictures of me.
back to the time when were we still together, I was happier.
Everything was better.
and i am talking about pictures of me, without him in it.
I can see it from the way i smiled and my eyes, my face full of happiness and content.
As though this world will never fail me.
My life is perfect with you in it.
The only time i feel perfect is when im with you.
I think i have done everything to move on.
parties. family vacations, meeting new people, starting a new hobby.
but. you are. still here.
figments of us lingers in the air around me.
What can i do?
I am stuck in time. in an era people will eventually forget.
that will not be recorded in any of their memories.
I wish you could stay right here.
You know sometimes, even looking at pictures of myself makes me want to cry.
Pictures that were taken before you left. pictures that was taken without you in it.
I just can't. as though as my eyes gave up on crying.
and my heart so broken, and it just gave up on everything.
my body ruined.
To be honest, our relationship was so perfect it scared me.
Yes, and when the truth reveals. It fucking hurts, imagine a million stars falling from the sky, beautiful but terrifying.
my wold is a burning hell.
it fucking hurts because i am one of your exes that we always talk about
i am just the girl that you gave up.
i am just the ex that never made it till the end.
i am the ex that we always laughed about.
i am the ex that i did not imagine that i am.
i am the ex that i did not want to be.
i never imagine i will be here. taking one of the spot in your fucked up book of exes.
I was living in my own fantasy, for a very long time.
I thought life will be perfect and it will forever be jayyoke.
you used to say "time is always jealous of us, because whenever we are together, time flies."
well i guess you are right, because now, it is just agonizing.
minutes felt like hours and days like months.
Someone told me i should learn to forgive and forget.
maybe i should.
So tell me God. how?
How can i forgive and forget and just ride through time like nothing happened.
Like what we had was just a really beautiful dream.
and here i am 2.40 in the morning. writing about us again.
when will i ever stop?
when i can get the spark and the smile back?
During my vacation to Taiwan, something hit me, like an epiphany.
I was living for you for the relationship.
its like my soul existed for yours,
its like i finally found you.
I can't live like that anymore.
I just can't.
I will start smiling for myself.
be happy and contented for myself and what i have without you.
everyone always say "you will get better one day"
it is so cliche that I dont know how to find "better"
should i just let time torture me until "better" finds me?
should i be glad that you are doing fine?
should i?
-The bed is getting cold. I am going to live for myself-
Adam is this crazy tall guy and Hanna is like me.
Our relationship is as dysfunctional like them, at the same time both were passionately crazy hopelessly in love.
they are like the fucked up version of us.
They broke up too. for some stupid reason.
Adam tried and is trying to move on.
well Hanna did, she tried but life just sucked her back into this Adam Hannah drama again and again.
"If it hurts, you will remember."
I am so drawn to broken people. I loved, love him because he is the way he is. Broken.
I don't know what fucked up mentality i have but this is just me.
The time when I looked back at old pictures of me.
back to the time when were we still together, I was happier.
Everything was better.
and i am talking about pictures of me, without him in it.
I can see it from the way i smiled and my eyes, my face full of happiness and content.
As though this world will never fail me.
My life is perfect with you in it.
The only time i feel perfect is when im with you.
I think i have done everything to move on.
parties. family vacations, meeting new people, starting a new hobby.
but. you are. still here.
figments of us lingers in the air around me.
What can i do?
I am stuck in time. in an era people will eventually forget.
that will not be recorded in any of their memories.
I wish you could stay right here.
You know sometimes, even looking at pictures of myself makes me want to cry.
Pictures that were taken before you left. pictures that was taken without you in it.
I just can't. as though as my eyes gave up on crying.
and my heart so broken, and it just gave up on everything.
my body ruined.
To be honest, our relationship was so perfect it scared me.
Yes, and when the truth reveals. It fucking hurts, imagine a million stars falling from the sky, beautiful but terrifying.
my wold is a burning hell.
it fucking hurts because i am one of your exes that we always talk about
i am just the girl that you gave up.
i am just the ex that never made it till the end.
i am the ex that we always laughed about.
i am the ex that i did not imagine that i am.
i am the ex that i did not want to be.
i never imagine i will be here. taking one of the spot in your fucked up book of exes.
I was living in my own fantasy, for a very long time.
I thought life will be perfect and it will forever be jayyoke.
you used to say "time is always jealous of us, because whenever we are together, time flies."
well i guess you are right, because now, it is just agonizing.
minutes felt like hours and days like months.
Someone told me i should learn to forgive and forget.
maybe i should.
So tell me God. how?
How can i forgive and forget and just ride through time like nothing happened.
Like what we had was just a really beautiful dream.
and here i am 2.40 in the morning. writing about us again.
when will i ever stop?
when i can get the spark and the smile back?
During my vacation to Taiwan, something hit me, like an epiphany.
I was living for you for the relationship.
its like my soul existed for yours,
its like i finally found you.
I can't live like that anymore.
I just can't.
I will start smiling for myself.
be happy and contented for myself and what i have without you.
everyone always say "you will get better one day"
it is so cliche that I dont know how to find "better"
should i just let time torture me until "better" finds me?
should i be glad that you are doing fine?
should i?
-The bed is getting cold. I am going to live for myself-
Sunday, 19 March 2017
Someone New
I wonder if you have someone new that replaced me, like they all assumed.
I wonder if you have someone new does she make you happy?
does she knows all your secrets?
does she love music like we do?
does she cook you favorite food?
is she beautiful?
does she takes all your pain away?
I wonder if you have someone new, that is able to love you more than i do.
I wonder if both of you share the same inside jokes.
I wonder why are you such a coward.
Why do i need to go through your sister to know about you?
What this relationship meant to you?
You are such an ass hole.
I hate you.
I love you.
I am dying.
But i don't want to.
I am struggling to stay alive
to smile to be happy without you.
FUCK i know it is so useless to miss you. to think of you
BUT I CAN'T
HOW THE HELL YOU DO IT?
HOW.
OH GOD. Please teach me how, because I think I cant take it any longer.
Am i faking it all these while?
People said.
You must have found someone new, that's why it is easier.
People said
You really don't want this relationship anymore and dont want me back.
People said.
What about you?
All i really want is, to hear from you. word from your mouth.
All i really want is. I am so lost.
I really am. sucked into this pool of emotions and darkness.
No matter how many people i met. none of them. none can replace you.
You always feel like home to me.
at the end of the day I just want to go home to you.
I guess i am lost because i am homeless?
Will i ever find happiness?
Will i ever be loved again?
Will my heart feel complete again?
You heartless piece of shit.
I hope someone stabs you a million times on your heart to feel my pain.
At the end of the day, I can't deny, this is Karma.
and this is what i deserve.
So GOD if you are punishing me. You are doing hell of a great job
because i dont feel like a human being anymore.
Thanks. I know this is what i deserve.
just take my life. Oh, i dont think you will because it will be too easy for me right.
dying is a release for me.
living is torture.
This is what i have become.
I am no inspiration. I am no She Hulk I am no good example.
I just.
FUCK YOU JAY.
I wonder if you have someone new does she make you happy?
does she knows all your secrets?
does she love music like we do?
does she cook you favorite food?
is she beautiful?
does she takes all your pain away?
I wonder if you have someone new, that is able to love you more than i do.
I wonder if both of you share the same inside jokes.
I wonder why are you such a coward.
Why do i need to go through your sister to know about you?
What this relationship meant to you?
You are such an ass hole.
I hate you.
I love you.
I am dying.
But i don't want to.
I am struggling to stay alive
to smile to be happy without you.
FUCK i know it is so useless to miss you. to think of you
BUT I CAN'T
HOW THE HELL YOU DO IT?
HOW.
OH GOD. Please teach me how, because I think I cant take it any longer.
Am i faking it all these while?
People said.
You must have found someone new, that's why it is easier.
People said
You really don't want this relationship anymore and dont want me back.
People said.
What about you?
All i really want is, to hear from you. word from your mouth.
All i really want is. I am so lost.
I really am. sucked into this pool of emotions and darkness.
No matter how many people i met. none of them. none can replace you.
You always feel like home to me.
at the end of the day I just want to go home to you.
I guess i am lost because i am homeless?
Will i ever find happiness?
Will i ever be loved again?
Will my heart feel complete again?
You heartless piece of shit.
I hope someone stabs you a million times on your heart to feel my pain.
At the end of the day, I can't deny, this is Karma.
and this is what i deserve.
So GOD if you are punishing me. You are doing hell of a great job
because i dont feel like a human being anymore.
Thanks. I know this is what i deserve.
just take my life. Oh, i dont think you will because it will be too easy for me right.
dying is a release for me.
living is torture.
This is what i have become.
I am no inspiration. I am no She Hulk I am no good example.
I just.
FUCK YOU JAY.
Wednesday, 1 March 2017
How are you?
How are you?
I really want to know.
How are you?
Do you still miss me.
How are you?
Life is great. I am loving every second of it.
My friends are God sent.
But. yes there will always be a but.
But whenever trouble makes it way to me.
You are all i think about, and what you used to say.
I wish you were here.
To tell me things that i need to hear.
I wish you were here to say that you are going to make everything OK.
I wish you were here to hug me and tell me you are going to make things better.
There is so much that i want to share but can't
I want to tell you how good life is.
I want to tell you how i have been and how strong i am.
I want to tell you good news bad news.
I want to share happy times sad times like we used to.
I want to go to the places we usually hang out.
I want you to tell me about your job and your friends.
I want you to tell your stupid jokes even they don't make any sense.
I want you to tell me how pretty i am.
I want you to tell me how much you need me because you had a bad day.
How are you?
Are you happy without me?
How is life treating you?
Is life better without me?
I don't miss you as much anymore.
only times like this when I need you.
I guess, you were always there when i needed you.
I guess you hugs are the only cure for me.
I don't think about us as much anymore
because there's no point thinking.
I don't wish for anything anymore.
because wishes, wishing well, eye lases, rainbows, even a million shooting stars
can't bring you back to love me.
How are you?
Do you miss our long night conversations?
I wish you were here.
How are you?
I really want to know.
How are you?
Do you still miss me.
How are you?
Life is great. I am loving every second of it.
My friends are God sent.
But. yes there will always be a but.
But whenever trouble makes it way to me.
You are all i think about, and what you used to say.
I wish you were here.
To tell me things that i need to hear.
I wish you were here to say that you are going to make everything OK.
I wish you were here to hug me and tell me you are going to make things better.
There is so much that i want to share but can't
I want to tell you how good life is.
I want to tell you how i have been and how strong i am.
I want to tell you good news bad news.
I want to share happy times sad times like we used to.
I want to go to the places we usually hang out.
I want you to tell me about your job and your friends.
I want you to tell your stupid jokes even they don't make any sense.
I want you to tell me how pretty i am.
I want you to tell me how much you need me because you had a bad day.
How are you?
Are you happy without me?
How is life treating you?
Is life better without me?
I don't miss you as much anymore.
only times like this when I need you.
I guess, you were always there when i needed you.
I guess you hugs are the only cure for me.
I don't think about us as much anymore
because there's no point thinking.
I don't wish for anything anymore.
because wishes, wishing well, eye lases, rainbows, even a million shooting stars
can't bring you back to love me.
How are you?
Do you miss our long night conversations?
I wish you were here.
How are you?
Tuesday, 21 February 2017
Letting go
Its almost a month now after the break up.
I am proud to say that I am so much better and happier,
honestly.
I can't believe this is actually happening to me.
I thought that i will be miserable for a very long time.
Turns out, I am doing so much better.
You wont believe the amount of happiness that i am feeling right now.
All thanks to my family and friends. You guys are the best.
Oh ya, and that dick head for being cruel.
Yes he was so heartless and cruel, my feelings for him literally died.
My heart is not as empty anymore and it feels so good.
of course occasionally when our song comes up on the radio and i passed by places we used to hang out, it triggers memories. I still miss you, sometimes.
But at the end of the they they are just memories.
I can now smile and just waive it off.
I also know that no matter how much i loved you or missed you, you will still be you.
The heartless beast that you are.
I can even laugh and joke with my friends about how we used to be.
good times bad times. happy memories mostly.
I plan to stay this way.
I plan to be happy.
I plan to not miss us so much anymore.
I plan to get hold of my life again.
I plan to do great things like rescue all the kittens by myself.
I plan to watch movie alone without feeling depressed and sorry for myself.
I plan to learn "How to be single"
I plan to let our past go.
Therefore letting everything that used to be us go.
How to let go?
It's simple.
I know I am completely at fault. I admit. I was the one that triggered this.
But I definitely DO NOT deserve this.
If you love me enough like you used to say,
you will no do this to us.
Whatever it is, it just made me realised that, I wouldn't wanna be with someone that dumped me
right after saying "I love you"
and yeah you can go fuck yourself too. :)
I am proud to say that I am so much better and happier,
honestly.
I can't believe this is actually happening to me.
I thought that i will be miserable for a very long time.
Turns out, I am doing so much better.
You wont believe the amount of happiness that i am feeling right now.
All thanks to my family and friends. You guys are the best.
Oh ya, and that dick head for being cruel.
Yes he was so heartless and cruel, my feelings for him literally died.
My heart is not as empty anymore and it feels so good.
of course occasionally when our song comes up on the radio and i passed by places we used to hang out, it triggers memories. I still miss you, sometimes.
But at the end of the they they are just memories.
I can now smile and just waive it off.
I also know that no matter how much i loved you or missed you, you will still be you.
The heartless beast that you are.
I can even laugh and joke with my friends about how we used to be.
good times bad times. happy memories mostly.
I plan to stay this way.
I plan to be happy.
I plan to not miss us so much anymore.
I plan to get hold of my life again.
I plan to do great things like rescue all the kittens by myself.
I plan to watch movie alone without feeling depressed and sorry for myself.
I plan to learn "How to be single"
I plan to let our past go.
Therefore letting everything that used to be us go.
How to let go?
It's simple.
I know I am completely at fault. I admit. I was the one that triggered this.
But I definitely DO NOT deserve this.
If you love me enough like you used to say,
you will no do this to us.
Whatever it is, it just made me realised that, I wouldn't wanna be with someone that dumped me
right after saying "I love you"
and yeah you can go fuck yourself too. :)
Friday, 17 February 2017
Getting Over
I don't know why but today seems harder.
I dream of us last night.
We were happy. I cant really remember what happened in the dream but we were so happy.
Today is not a very good day for me.
I miss you a lot.
I really do.
It is so hard to get over things.
I wish today can be better.
I miss talking to you.
telling you all the shits that happened at work.
I need to keep telling myself that you don't want me anymore and you don't care.
I need to keep reminding myself that you are not interested in anything that i told you.
And you dont love, never love me enough that's why you left.
No matter what you did for me.
No matter what you promised. You left.
No matter how many kittens we rescue. You left
No matter how many songs you wrote and sang for me. You left.
No matter how much you family and friends liked me. You left.
No matter how many fucking times you said "I wont leave you" YOU FUCKING LEFT!
I need to keep repeating everything in my head until i am tired.
until i am sick of myself.
How many times do i need to repeat to myself that you hate me now.
You are so much more happier without me.
Dont know why am i still writing about you.
its not like you will read my blog anyway.
I used to write good things about us.
You never appreciate me enough to read.
I wish i could hate you.
I wish i am as heartless like you so life can be easier.
You mean ass hole.
Get the fuck out of my head.
I dream of us last night.
We were happy. I cant really remember what happened in the dream but we were so happy.
Today is not a very good day for me.
I miss you a lot.
I really do.
It is so hard to get over things.
I wish today can be better.
I miss talking to you.
telling you all the shits that happened at work.
I need to keep telling myself that you don't want me anymore and you don't care.
I need to keep reminding myself that you are not interested in anything that i told you.
And you dont love, never love me enough that's why you left.
No matter what you did for me.
No matter what you promised. You left.
No matter how many kittens we rescue. You left
No matter how many songs you wrote and sang for me. You left.
No matter how much you family and friends liked me. You left.
No matter how many fucking times you said "I wont leave you" YOU FUCKING LEFT!
I need to keep repeating everything in my head until i am tired.
until i am sick of myself.
How many times do i need to repeat to myself that you hate me now.
You are so much more happier without me.
Dont know why am i still writing about you.
its not like you will read my blog anyway.
I used to write good things about us.
You never appreciate me enough to read.
I wish i could hate you.
I wish i am as heartless like you so life can be easier.
You mean ass hole.
Get the fuck out of my head.
Tuesday, 14 February 2017
The Break Up
Happy Valentines Day people.
and yes you guessed it right.
I got dumped.
The love of my life (well used to be) dumped me.
After all the promises,
He said "I will not leave you."
He said "No matter what happens we will go through this together"
He said "If we break up I will not know how to love anymore"
He said...
So many promises and yet he left me. For good this time.
He left me so broken and helpless
He left be because of a small mistake i made
He left me even I can promise him the world.
He left me even we were so happy the day before.
He left me just because I needed something that he couldn't give me.
He left me just because I did not listen to him when he was trying to talk to me nicely.
He left for good.
This time for good.
I loved him with my heart and soul, i bet the whole world knows.
I loved each and every thing about him.
I love his flaws his kindness
his smile his stupid jokes.
I love the way we used to be.
I love him so much that I am willing to do anything.
We, i said we because i know both of us put or heart, tears, blood into this relationship.
Its like everything about us.
We nurture it, take care of it.
Occasional arguments, but we managed to solve it.
We were so happy last Sunday.
He promised he will make everything better again.
and yet, He left me.
It has been exactly a week now since the break up.
I regretted everything that i did.
and yes he made me feel like i am fully responsible for everything.
Not sure if i am blaming myself, but yes i caused this.
I thought he was the one.
I thought he will always come back to me.
not this time.
He seems determine and so, i will just let it be.
I did not cry as much.
My heart is so empty,
I feel like I am merely existing, a life with no goals.
We had a common goal, we were working so hard to achieve it.
I wouldn't say what we had was fake.
He loved me too, with all his heart, he changed for us. for a better future.
I am so proud of him.
I really am.
3 years. Gone. 3 years of promises and sacrifice.
3 years of having him with me all the time.
His Good Morning texts. His Good Night kisses.
Him.
as though we exists just for each other.
His name and mine fits like the perfect puzzle.
He was perfect.
Our happy times sad times.
Our songs and road trips.
The troubles we got into for being reckless.
He loved everything about me too, i wouldn't doubt that.
Actually, thank you Jay for the perfect Sundate.
Never thought that it would be our last date and last kiss last hug and last good bye.
I hope your decision is the best for both of us.
I always thought that you are the best boy friend a girl could ever ask for.
at least for me. again, you are perfect.
Our hands fit each other perfectly, your height, your smile the dimples at your back.
We shared our deepest darkest secrets.
We were a team. a pack.
I love when you can control the entire situation when i am about to have a melt down.
Thank you for the best 3 years. You have did enough.
I know nothing. no apologies can fix what i did.
How i wish that i have a time machine, if i could just turn back time.
But there's no use now.
It's final.
I kissed your mom hands, apologize that i can't take care of you anymore.
You will always have a special place in my heart.
I can't deny that it fucking hurts. I am just trying to go by each day without dying.
I wish you well.
JAY. Jay and Yoke.
singing off.
Good Bye, my love.
and yes you guessed it right.
I got dumped.
The love of my life (well used to be) dumped me.
After all the promises,
He said "I will not leave you."
He said "No matter what happens we will go through this together"
He said "If we break up I will not know how to love anymore"
He said...
So many promises and yet he left me. For good this time.
He left me so broken and helpless
He left be because of a small mistake i made
He left me even I can promise him the world.
He left me even we were so happy the day before.
He left me just because I needed something that he couldn't give me.
He left me just because I did not listen to him when he was trying to talk to me nicely.
He left for good.
This time for good.
I loved him with my heart and soul, i bet the whole world knows.
I loved each and every thing about him.
I love his flaws his kindness
his smile his stupid jokes.
I love the way we used to be.
I love him so much that I am willing to do anything.
We, i said we because i know both of us put or heart, tears, blood into this relationship.
Its like everything about us.
We nurture it, take care of it.
Occasional arguments, but we managed to solve it.
We were so happy last Sunday.
He promised he will make everything better again.
and yet, He left me.
It has been exactly a week now since the break up.
I regretted everything that i did.
and yes he made me feel like i am fully responsible for everything.
Not sure if i am blaming myself, but yes i caused this.
I thought he was the one.
I thought he will always come back to me.
not this time.
He seems determine and so, i will just let it be.
I did not cry as much.
My heart is so empty,
I feel like I am merely existing, a life with no goals.
We had a common goal, we were working so hard to achieve it.
I wouldn't say what we had was fake.
He loved me too, with all his heart, he changed for us. for a better future.
I am so proud of him.
I really am.
3 years. Gone. 3 years of promises and sacrifice.
3 years of having him with me all the time.
His Good Morning texts. His Good Night kisses.
Him.
as though we exists just for each other.
His name and mine fits like the perfect puzzle.
He was perfect.
Our happy times sad times.
Our songs and road trips.
The troubles we got into for being reckless.
He loved everything about me too, i wouldn't doubt that.
Actually, thank you Jay for the perfect Sundate.
Never thought that it would be our last date and last kiss last hug and last good bye.
I hope your decision is the best for both of us.
I always thought that you are the best boy friend a girl could ever ask for.
at least for me. again, you are perfect.
Our hands fit each other perfectly, your height, your smile the dimples at your back.
We shared our deepest darkest secrets.
We were a team. a pack.
I love when you can control the entire situation when i am about to have a melt down.
Thank you for the best 3 years. You have did enough.
I know nothing. no apologies can fix what i did.
How i wish that i have a time machine, if i could just turn back time.
But there's no use now.
It's final.
I kissed your mom hands, apologize that i can't take care of you anymore.
You will always have a special place in my heart.
I can't deny that it fucking hurts. I am just trying to go by each day without dying.
I wish you well.
JAY. Jay and Yoke.
singing off.
Good Bye, my love.
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