Define simple happiness

This is us :) 

Hey. It's me. 
I'm still alive fortunately. 

it has been a month or so since my last post
:(
I was busy, lazy, being fat.
got a job at a local Japanese restaurant, realised that I can multitask and work well with people. 
My first ever job.
cleaning, washing, wiping, sweeping, mopping, serving rich ass brats.
I love working there. My boss is great, he treats us with respect, love to joke. 
He's like a big brother to me nothing stereotype about him.
the way he acts, talks, makes decision.
I've been working for about a month now.
meet new friends, experience stuff and gain weight.

I also met a cute boy there.
He's my partner.
The great thing about us is we have this weird, instant, connection.
as though as he knows me. he knows when to back me up.

the funny thing is we got to know each other for less then a week or so and we are already working really well together.
He's a sweet guy.
:) yes i like him. not like, like falling in love like.
i just like him. 

people come and people go. 

Kuala Terengganu is a small town, and since it's the only place selling Japanese food so working there is like meeting the whole town. 
especially old primary school mates.
I really wonder what would they think of me. not that i care, just curious. 
are they like "OMG. what is she doing here?" "college dropout?" "still fat" "no future?" 
I was kinda sad cuz... none. none of them said Hi to me. not even a friendly smile. 
Welcome to reality, I told myself. 

But who gives a fuck.

em. a small part of me does.
seeing some of them married, having kids.
they seem happy.
i'm glad to see them happy. the contradiction between me and them.
I am still fat. 22 and still studying, lifeless, controlled by parents, can't drive, still me.
People changed,
 i  feel like i am still standing there. Not moving at all. 
Still wearing my t-shirt from 10 years ago.
Still struggling to lose weight, still have low self esteem.
still not wearing any makeup.
Gosh.

My friend posted pictures and her and her baby boy on wechat.
He's so so so adorable. looks so much like her.
She was my best friend during primary school. 
and now she's happily married.   :) 

you see. I am not desperate to be fucked or get married or want a boy friend or anything.
My dad, he doesn't understand. i want simple happiness. I want to be with the person i love and live a happy life. 
Unfortunately for them. I am always desperate. Desperate cuz my friends have family and kids and are happy.
He is a undeniably smart man. sad to say he's too proud to listen to his own daughter. 

couple weeks more i'll be leaving this corrupted cursed land.
to a kingdom where everyone is united. (LOL) cheesy fuck!
i knew. i wont wanna come back here. 

MyHe knows everything, unfortunately not everything is the same. 
not every situation is the same.

what is sacrifice if you want people that you sacrifice for to give back?

-I want nothing more but simple happiness. 
where can i find them?
not here.-

Goodbye City

It's raining again, this may be the last time that i'm writing from Kuala Lumpur in a long time. 
In this rented house.

Memories.
packed my stuff.
You can't imagine the amount of things you accumulate throughout the years. 
almost uncountable.

So I guess this is Good  Bye. 
4 years of college life. :)
4 years of wasted time
4 years of life
4 years of struggling, sufferings and fighting. 
4 years of learning. 

It's funny i can't really feel sad. 
or happy. 
I definitely feel relieved.  

Though, I will miss my friends. My dear dear friends. 
I've never imagine we would separate. 
My friends, they are part of my life.
a huge part of the tremendous 4 years of far away from home. 

The beers we drank 
the song we sang
the tears we cried
the streets we walked
the talked we talked.

ends.

I mean we will still see each other again, but it certainly will be a lot different. 
Sad to say, i've never done anything meaningful, wonderful, adventurous, mind blowing.
My college life is not as colorful that i've imagined years back.

It's not that simple. There's a thing call reality. 
and man, he is cruel. and there's another thing called laziness and Yoke. 
so, yeah. 

I was once naive and stupid. 
Yet. I'm still a dreamer. 

"I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed." - Fantine 

760 days of us

His first time at Ben's, pavlova birthday cake 

It's raining again. 
It was raining when he arrived. it's raining when he was gone. 

yesterday was the best 23rd that we have ever had. 
bought cool Everlast kicks for his 22nd birthday.
Had a fantastic Arabian night
enjoyed our first earth hour at KLCC. 
when the lights goes off. 
we kissed. 
he cured my cracked lips. 

i love making him birthday cards. It's like a thing i'll do every year. 


I finished my last semester in Tar college. 
Damn, i can't believe i am actually going to UK.
i mean 4 years of painstaking journey
pufff gone. 
4 more days i will be getting my offer letter to Sheffield Hallam University. 
It this crazy or what?!
I guess i will miss most of my friends.
college life sucks, however, there's still some fun bit. 
silly things that we did, cheated during quizzes, helping each other, gossiping, having lunch together everyday,  the favorite Asian entertainment - KARAOK  
talked about guys, watched porn together, get drunk. 
deep down, i kinda wish he were in every part of it.
  
we talked about our future, what will it be like after UK. 
we will never be bored with each other, i love being with him even when we have nothing to talk about.
we just love having each other around. 

Is he the one? I don't know. 
can he not be the one that got away.
Imagine life without him. 
I am so used to his body temperature, his breath, the way we joke.

Assignments, eat, drink, joke, play, watch movies, smoke, eat, eat, eat, gossip, eat
is all I did for this semester. 
Nothing much to update.
Get excited, be ready for my vlogs and posts from UK :)


i love old old songs.
their lyrics and melody are so different, there's nothing like that not in the world today.
what would be our song?



-love, infinity- 

三年了

三年了。
我们的爱经过种种的考验。
但很幸福 :)

我们一直很努力的经营这段感情
谢谢你一直都陪伴我。你拥有我，我拥有你
你的出现也许是我上辈子修来的福吧。

谢谢你偶尔的小惊喜
谢谢你忍受我的坏脾气
谢谢你原谅我
谢谢你了解我
谢谢你的付出
谢谢你 :)

我承认有时候我很任性，也很喜欢转牛角尖，说话很不客气，总是让你担心让你烦。
对不起
对不起，让你掉泪了。

終点在哪里我不知道，感情路一直都是那么坎坷，但无论如何我们会很坚强的走下去对吗？

好想你哦 :(

-我们都哭了-

greetings from the ocean

Hello :)
Ladies and gentlemen.

Happy Chinese New Year. 
It took me way too long to complete this post. 
I wasn't sure what to write. 

but today, i promise myself i would write.
There are all kinds of milestones in life,  
the kind you expect to live through and there's the kind you would never dream that you would lived through again.

I had an AMAZING head start for this year. i am positive that this year will be spectacular. 
I went back to Yong Peng, Johor (my mum's home town) to celebrate the new year like we always did. This particular trip was a lot different, brings back lots and lots of memories to the time when Chinese New Year was all about controlling my pirate mouth LOL. 

Everyone is all grown up. I couldn't believe that my dear little cousins are actually dating and having crushes. 
It has always been a tradition when all the cousins would gather and sit in a circle, i am always their leader (the oldest of course) there were times when i told them ghost stories, chat a bout boys and girls and just have fun. the little ones would always do silly stuff and make us laugh our asses out. 

but this time, we talked about our passed new years, the things that we did together, the conversations were different, but ghost stories are not excluded. :) 

The trip back to Kuala Terengganu this time was the last time i spend my semester break with my family, soon i will be finishing my studies. Gosh, time do flies. Remember the first time i step into my first lecture the way i cried just because i missed my family. The blog post that i wrote 2, 3 years back. I survived. 
I was taught not to give up. and so i did continue my battle. 
My dad and i did have some intense conversations but i loved it when he tell stories about his childhood, he's not the kind of dad that would share things with us, but at least he did that day. :) i am glad that he did. 

I gained like a gazillion pound due to excessive eating :-S GUILTY! 
it's time to shed those weight, i've promised and failed a million times.
i don't wanna be a failure, i better achieve my goals this time, i mean damn it Yoke! come on! :(

the food the people music and things that happened around me makes my holiday great. 
I wouldn't call it the best holiday but i did enjoy it, meeting new friends, cleaning my house, feeling the ocean wind everyday, exercising with my dad, fighting my sister, playing with spiky spending time with my bffs, eating and enjoying home cooked food, baking and cooking.... 
and missing you. 

being with you is so much fun, i can be myself, we would sacrifice for each other, yes, we fight but we would  hug each other passionately after every stupid argument.
 time spins whenever we are together, no matter how long we spend time together it is always not enough. 

I am not smart but what are you going to call this if the love we have is not true? 
i do not need everyone to agree with us, i just want to be with him.

oh i don't expect smooth sailing life, but as long as we have each other....


-Sorry love, sorry- 

Red, Yellow, blue, and black

Red is my color for passion. The burning desire for something. 

My desire my passion for him, for photography for everything. 

My my world would be so yellow when I'm happy. When the sun rises and the bird chirps. and you know it. You know it for sure today's gonna be a good good day. 

Blue when ever i'm near the ocean. I love the place where i was born, so peaceful so quiet so beautiful. the ocean breeze the salty sensation on your skin. 

Black. When my world starts to crumble. when I fall to deep deep depression. When i cry everything thinking how can i fix us? fix myself? how to get out of this shit hole. 

2012 was a great year. 2013 is going to be better. I know it. I met SAM BUNKFACE like WHAT THE FUCK! and actually found his guitar pick that he threw :) 

Let us just forget everything bad that happened in 2012 and embrace 2013. 

And yes i do have my new years resolutions. :) 

Sorry for not writing. I was lazy and busy. Studying for my finals. Damn. Time sure is human's worst enemy. 

Oh how he runs. in a blink i finished my Advance diploma final exam. 5 more months to step on Sheffield's soil. I pray oh i pray to the Lord God Almighty that all of us get through this. 

We went karaoke after fucking Risk Management paper. In a thousand years i never thought that we would be that happy together. Sorry for not liking you guys from the beginning. That full 4 hours was the best i had in my advance diploma years. Glad that we did this together. 

who cares if i lost my voice after that. who cares? 

bought my new year's shirt. I am actually going back tonight :) 

kinda happy and worried :-S LOL

Yes it's time for my vacations mentally. 

and yeah i really can't write when it's not raining 

-Happy New Year. I love you- 

Thank you for reading all these years.

for the sake of writing

Tuesday. i somehow wish that time could go slower. 

but the other half of me wished that everything is over by now.

Hop on a plane and there goes that girl chasing her dreams. 

I am brave. I am strong. and i am gonna live my beautiful life as full as i can. 

I am determine to shed all this weight by next year. 

for years and years I've been know as "that FAT girl"

Yes I maybe huge and bigger than most of you but hey, i am can still feel.

I did not dropped down from the sky like Mr. Bean. I did not just "pop" out. 

I was made and delivered to this world through my mother's vagina. 

Society tends to discriminate people that are different from them. 

The skinny bitches only want to mix with their own clan. 

as for me the fat girl. float along like an overweight butterfly trying to fit in.

It is ironic when I can't fit into anything. Pretty dresses, pretty clothes, beautiful shoes, pretty accessories, tiny little rings, no cute bag matches what i wear. 

the worst is fitting into "clans" 

i hate to go shopping with pretty skinny super model mannequin size girls. 

what i do is sit and look at them try on clothes, outfits, shoes and tight small stuff that i would kill to wear. 

I would die to just be average one day. Just once. but God did not made us to be weak. 

He wants us to challenge ourselves 

Pushing to the limit!

So here i am. Challenging myself. 

Changing to be better. Not to fit in though, just to let myself have the chance to be a bitch.

once in my life time. I can wear pretty dresses, feeling confident and attractive. 

Many people don't know that i LOVE LOVE LOVE fashion. funny. I know, i am always a t-shirt, jeans kind of girl through out my whole life. 

I really wanna try something new. 

Just ignore all of the above. it's me being shallow. I am just lonely. 

Society today is getting sicker, mentally. 

the shooting, stabbing, wars. This world isn't fucked up. we fuck it up! 

People just wake up OK! there's more than what you are feeling, what you see is just 10% of life.

DO NOT do anything stupid to get attention or even thinking about ending your life. 

We humans claim to be the "most intelligent" animal on earth. but are we being intelligent?

We studied plants, other species of animals but not our own! there's so little that we know about our own kind. All we see is just the surface. 

Come on people, we should always stick together, through easy happy times and also hard times.

We are all made by the same God Almighty. 

stop the tears. stop the heartache. stop discrimination, change. 

I am not the black sheep of the family anymore. I never was. I was just, different, I was just being myself. 

I've been slacking on my posts lately. I do not have an explanation.

but here i am trying to write again. 

Nope. not going to put pictures in this post either. 

-All of us were born heroes- 

love of my life don't leave me

this is going to be a sad sad blog

i am not going to bother editing pictures or what ever fuck shit in it. i don't care about my spelling or my freaking grammar. i know they sucks! so STOP judging.
i can't even think of a post title right now.

i am sad, depressed, overwhelmed in fact

death, people come and go.
it happens everyday.
i can't stand watching people that i am used to around me leaving.

they leave carrying part and pieces of my heart. my dear grandma. she did not deserve the life she had. i really do hope that she is in a better place right now.

maybe death is her only way to end the sufferings.

To tell the truth i cried really loud and really long in my hostel room when my parents dropped me off during my first semester in diploma.
I am not a cry baby, can't be alone type of girl.

I am in fact quite tough. i think. or not. :( i don't know.
i missed my grandma. I as grow older i begin to realized, things don't last long.

Toys, phones, laptop, water bottles, umbrellas, slippers, shoes, socks, bras, and relationship.
friendship, love hate relationship.

my friend's grandma just passed away, and it seems like i can feel her pain and sufferings. I am sad. heart broken. I am running out of tears if i continue to cry like this.

Suck it up, be strong. I wish i could.
i hate to fake. fake a smile. a laugh. faking that i am interested in what ever shit that you are saying.
My mind heart and soul had depart to a place where things last forever.

love of my life, come back to me.

six months. gone. what the fuck time! what the fuck. :'(

Alpha and Omega

the first and the last.

rainy days always have an indescribable effect on me.
i love to write during rainy days, when the weather is cold, keeps my mind clear and calm.

where to begin? well, this post is actually a collection of my feelings.
last month was quite relax and somehow intense.

I love the fact that my house is always the place that i think of during the moments of darkness.
time certainly flies. no matter how hard i wish and pray that he could stay a little bit longer. Time will still pull us apart again.
this time. maybe even further.

i love you to the moon and back.
No matter how much or how intense our arguments were, no matter how angry I am. I still love you. No matter what.
I know you feel the same too.
I am a difficult and stubborn girl.
I am sometimes mean, and always depend on you to do most of the things. I am demanding and never satisfied, never grateful for everything and anything.

I really love that you could put up with me and my ugliest side.
You are the only one that makes me feel beautiful and confident, you seems to see the best in me. You tried, oh you tired to keep my spirits up and keep me going.

I got so used to you. the fact that we are going to be apart again just unbearable.
no matter how hard or how much i cry, the fact is still the fact.
i just wish we could both run away.

this empty room is filled with memories that means the whole world to me.
I remember you'd hug me whenever i cried watching movies. You'd always make me smile after that.
You and your silly personality, our inside jokes. :(
You are smart and so talented in your own way. I wish that they can just see it all.
a guy that can actually put up with their daughter and their sister. Love her as much as they love her.

He is beautiful inside out.
I am sorry for all the hateful, hurtful, evil words that I've said.
Yes I do. I do hope that you are my Alpha and Omega.

I'll need to keep my chin up. suck it all in! Focus!
patience, time and effort!
to lose weight, my studies and also maintain our relationship no matter how hard it is.

-come on baby we'r gonna fly away from here.-

SEX

Hello ladies and gentlemen boys and girls. 
The topic of the day is. OBVIOUSLY sex :)

This kind of rainy weather is making me horny LOL
WHAT ABOUT SEX?

guys about the age of 16 have this strong drive of hormones they can't control.. the lust for sex
they watch porn, and there's where the masturbating starts, they fantasize about girls they like, getting nervous and all sweaty, uncomfortable around girls. 
the thought of squeezing their breast is killing them. at the mean time, their body is changing, hair growing at the weirdest part of the body, everything is just getting bigger. LOL if you know what i mean. 

for girls, it starts about 12 when your chest hurt to the slightest touch! it hurts no matter what you do especially jumping running, some even have their period already. it's uncomfortable and the body odor.GOD help us.  hair started to grow, and we will be acting all awkward around guys. this is when yo mama will bring you shopping for bras and stuff. LOL those were the days. 

any how, this is not the main point of this post.
I am here to talk about guys and girls that are in a relationship, who already, going to, not thinking, thinking, plotting, waiting to have SEX. 

growing up in a very traditional Asian family, we were taught to only have sex only after getting married, even in any religion, it is advice to do it after you are legally married. 
But that is way back then, as time changes, the perspective on sex changes too. 

personally, i think having SAFE sex is acceptable.
I mean, when you are in a relationship with this guy that is the love of your life "at the time" 
weird thing happens, when you are ready like, holding hands, hugging and cuddling, kissing happens naturally.

THINGS HAPPEN NATURALLY 
the same goes to sex.
Girls don't ever let a guy talk you into having sex with them! have your stand. Don't let him fuck you when you are not ready! 
some jerks will only want to be with you to FUCK you up! if you are not ready to lose your virginity just ditch them.
girl, it's not worth it to be with a guy that DON'T LOVE YOU, the only purpose that he is with you is only for SEX. NO! 
guys are jerks. 

I  can't imagine a guy ask a girl to have sex with them, is it like "hey babe, can i fuck you up tonight?" 
or "hey, you are so hot, i just wanna insert my penis in your vagina." 

Bitch, if he love you enough he wouldn't ask you like that. 
there will be a perfect moment, maybe after he legally became your husband or under any suitable circumstances when both of you are ready to take the responsibilities things will happen.      

Kids now a days are immature and stupid, bitches fuck around just to have fun same goes to guys. 
I mean for me, sex is a very beautiful, sacred thing that you enjoy with the love of your life. 
but there's also a small group of people have this fear of having sex, for them sex is filthy and unacceptable.

I gotta say the sex education system is falling apart. LOL 

kids you will all have the chance to enjoy sex when the time is right, just go back home and study hard ok. 
It's good for some people that have their stand to only have sex after getting married. i salute you, please hold your stand :) 

and for those who already lost their big V, well, fuck safe, we ain't want you to be pregnant before finishing school. 

these are my opinion on SEX, i am not an expert i am just a small little blogger wanna be writer. 
so if you have any comments or suggestions on this topic, do leave your comment below :) 

Good day everyone. 

cloudy day

Hey, i know it's ages since i last posted something.

Do you miss me :)
i have no excuses for not writing. I am simply lazy.

so people come and people go and people come some more.
I finished my semester break.

Went Singapore all by myself to visit a friend
Had the time of my life.
Booze and shopping.

Visited places that i've always wanted to visit. loving the view.
 pictures will be uploaded soon on my facebook :)

Love 

I am officially 21 years old. LOL
my parents bought me a HTC one V
and my boyfriend surprised me with our couple ring and a necklace with out picture on it :)
i love him so much! <3 font="font">my friends treated my like a princess we ate good food and drank good beers. Hakuna Matata.

so far so good. checked my results today it was VERY satisfying <3 nbsp="nbsp">
another year and i will be flying my ass to UK 

all will be well, all is well.

God bless us all.
Good day people.

a little twist of Chinese Valentine's day

Hello i am sad. :(
today may be just an ordinary day. but for us it's the 23rd :)

and as always the 23rd is the most meaningful yet depressing day.

i know i shouldn't be negative especially times like this but i just am.
well, i have no title to this post.

there's this Chinese legend that i want to share.

The legend begin with a good-looking poor orphan boy who owns an old ox. He needed to work on the  farm with his ox everyday. His daily life was just like Cinderella's.

The ox was actually a creature or fairy or something :-S from the Heaven. He made mistakes and was punished as an ox on Earth. (i know it's not logic, but bear with me please) 

 One day, the ox suddenly said to the boy, "You are a nice person. If you want to get married, go to the pond and your wish will come true." So the horny boy went to the pond and saw all 7 pretty daughters of the Emperor gliding down from Heaven (creepy) all hot and sexy with their silky fair naked body, having a pool party. 

Fascinated by the youngest and also the most beautiful one, he took away her fairy clothes away secretly. The other six fairies flew away after the party (bitches). The youngest couldn't fly back without her fairy clothes. Then the boy appeared all horny and told her that he would not return her clothes unless she promised to be his wife. 

After a little hesitation and with a mixture of shyness and eagerness, she agreed to marry this handsome young man. So they got married and had two children.

Horny young adults, falling in love.

One day, the old ox was dying, he told the boy to shred his old skin and that he should keep it for emergency purpose. (ewwww i know right.)

The 7th daughter of Emperor is very good at weaving. The Emperor loved her because she would weave the most beautiful clouds and rainbows, so that the world will be a happier place. 

However, after her love affair with the boy, she never returned. 

The Emperor soon found that the sky's not that beautiful as before. He wanted  to bring her back.  While the 7th princess was flying to the Heaven with her grandmother, the boy wore the ox skin, put his children in two bamboo baskets with his wife's old fairy clothes and chased after his wife.

 The grandmother then made a milky way in the sky which kept them separated. The 7th princess was moved to the star Vega (The swooping - Eagle) in the Lyra (Harp) constellation. And the boy with his two children stayed in the star Altair (Flying one) in the Aquila (Eagle) constellation. The star of Vega is also known as the Weaving Maid (princess) Star and the star of Altair is as the Cowherd (boy) Star in Chinese.

Magpies were moved by their true love and many of them gathered and formed a bridge for the couple to meet in the evening of the 7th day of the 7th lunar month, which is the day the Emperor allowed them to meet once a year.

They said that it's hard to find magpies on Chinese Valentine's Day in China, because all of them are flying away to form a bridge for the princess and the boy. 

Prove? well, since both of the couple are stepping on those magpies, the feathers on the head of the magpies are much lesser after the Chinese Valentine's Day. and if it rains, the rain are the tears of the princess and the poor boy.




by the time you read it i may have came up with the lamest post title as usual.

I've always been in love with writing and journalism. it's always my passion, i've been writing for years now!
I mean come on! i need real life human readers! not some other websites trying to spam my chat box!

I need real comments about my writings. I really want to know who reads my blog and what people think of it.

guess i am celebrating this fucking day as usual.

happy birthday to me.

Being me

Being me is being Fat.

People who hates fat girl like me should be grateful that they are nothing like me.

Do you know how it feels to fight the lust of stuffing my face with food?
No, you don't cuz you can eat and not be fat at all.

Do you know how it feels to eat and regret every bit of it?
No you don't

Do you know how it feels to see people buying clothes and you not buying it cuz you know you'll never fit?
No, cuz you can wear what ever you want.

Do you know how it feels to be teased, discriminate and bullied?
No, cuz everyone likes you.

Do you know how it feels to like someone so fucking damn much and being reject and called names cuz you are fat?
No, cuz everyone likes you.

Do you know how it feels to have negative self esteem?
No, cuz you are goddamn confident.

Do you know how much i want people to notice my talents?
No cuz they are too shallow to only notice my body size.

Do you know how difficult it is for me to smile every time after being teased?
No, cuz you teased me, crushed me inside out.

Do you know how many times i've questioned myself and God what have i done to deserve this?
No, cuz God loves you.

Can you imagine looking in the mirror everyday and wanting to be normal just for a day?
No, cuz you are perfectly normal.

Can you imagine crying myself to be every night praying that tomorrow will be a better day?
No cuz your days are always perfectly fine.

Can you imagine after all the diet plans and everything i am still back to ground zero?
No, cuz you don't need to try to be beautiful. you are beautiful

Can you imagine me trying to fit in but never will?
No cuz you are always welcomed.

I am fat. I just want to love myself more.
this twisted world is never gonna accept people like me.
so i live in my world.
please don't invade it.
I am just another girl.
I have feelings. guess no one realised.

I just want you all to know who I am.
I am not a happy person. never was never will be.