Birthday

It is almost that time of the year again.
This is the 2nd year since she left.

I love birthdays and celebrations and festivals I do.

This is the 2nd year i am having mixed emotions on my birthday.
I don't know man. it's like one part of me is so freaking excited and the other part of me is just struggling to take over.

My birthday in Sheffield was not too bad despite it was past mid night and i got the news that she passed away.

My birthday last year was, i don't know, just driving aimlessly in town with him.
No planning what so ever. It was dull. honestly i have never felt so aimless before and on my birthday. come on.

My birthday this year. I decided to have a great one despite 2 continuous disaster birthday.
but.

1. I didn't achieve what i wanted yet
2. The memories of her haunt me
3. I really want a nice birthday dinner with him but..
4. The memories of her haunt me
5. I just want a nice 24th birthday
6. I do not want to party and get drunk
7. I really hope that there's fireworks because I love watching fireworks and they didn't have any last year.



It is very hard for me to forget my own birthday.

THE WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY IS REMINDING ME OF MY BIRTHDAY
HER DEATH REMINDS ME OF MY BIRTHDAY

I have no fucking idea how anyone can forget their birthday.

I have so many things planned.
My family is celebrating for me so that's not a problem.
but,
I want to go for a short getaway
I want a simple romantic candle light dinner
I  need to rest to refresh.
I want to do what I what.

I hate myself for not achieving my goals. I don't blame him for who he is, no one is to blame.
Maybe I shouldn't be too excited, maybe it is just another day.

oh well, it is not even my birthday yet and i am feeling so fucking depressed.
lesson to be learn here,

do not have too high hopes.

I am not a happy go lucky person, never was,
people assumed that I am just because I am all fat and sweaty.

I am not one bit happy.
I feel so sad about so many things

I miss Daisy, i miss the kittens
I hate this stupid political chaos in our country
I hate because of some stupid religion and race issue I always need to choose between him and my family
I hate because everyone says that career and money is the most important thing in life and he have none so he is not the best for me.
I hate that people are trying to change how i feel about someone
I hate that people assume they know what's best for me but they don't because i am myself and i know myself best.
I hate people.

I am never a happy person. I guest i just fake it good enough for everyone to think that I am who they assumed.


- all i really wanted was to feel happy-

Center

Oh waoo It has been sometime since I wrote anything here.

I have made changes to my life.

baby steps.

I got a new job. :)

I quit my old one. and surprisingly I feel, relieved.

Like tons of weight lifted off my slouching shoulder.

The best thing is i can finally use my real name. like the name i love to be called. or should i say the name my parents gave me.

using a corporate name makes my real name seems so unworthy. Like I shouldn't be proud of my own name.

I love what my trainer said "Be proud of your name. There is nothing wrong with your name"

almost made me cry. It is as though she answered my questions all these while. What is so wrong with my name?

My name means me. As a person. My identity. 

without it i felt like part of me have been taken away. Using a different name is just hard. 

putting on a mask every single day is hard. I honestly don't know how some people can do it for the rest of their life, not me. 

I felt sick of myself. internal conflicts. 

The dark age has passed. 

Welcome to the new age. 

I can finally be a part of something huge. 

So many natural disasters and conflicts happening around the world.

I really think that perspective is very important.

How you look at life.

I mean natural disaster you can't control it. But how you react to it despite loosing everything tells people who you are as a person. 

Being self centered do no help.

nothing good will come if someone is so self centered and too bold to even open up their minds for different ideas, innovations, culture, life.

For them is just because they are the majority so they have all the rights to do everything and anything just because they are the majority. 

My trainer told me, we can really see a person's real self during difficult times. the way you handle things really show your true character. 

Obviously, some of us in this big old world are just stupid and forever living in a cocoon.

so they can be the biggest hypocrite.

What the fuck do you mean by" oh no, I wont even lay a finger on my girl friend because i respect her, but with you because you are open minded so I can put my hands all over you, tell you how i wanna put my body against yours. Just because you are wearing short pants." 

I feel sad for the mother or mothers, father or fathers. You have not done your job in teaching your son to respect women. 

This is not respect. This is foolish.

 

Oh how i wish i have kept the conversations. It would be so much fun. :)

busting hypocrite. 

 

I don't think I am living in my own dream world. I honestly do not think so. If i were to live in my own dream world. I wouldn't have cared about so many other things that matters.

Sometimes what it takes is just to look at the bigger picture rather than getting influenced by social medias, stupid annoying fucking forwarded messages that makes you freak out. 

so here i end my endless ranting. I am not an expert on life, but what i can tell you is the way i look at life itself. 

-monster under construction- 

Stranded

I feel stranded on an island. 

for my whole life I have been this indecisive person.

for my whole life, i rarely make major decisions. 

for my whole life, i just listen and accept.

for my whole life i have been rebellious for no certain reasons. 

What am i fighting for?

why do i rebel if it is me that chose to listen and follow?

I don't blame anyone.

for i am the one doing the listening and following.

I am my own doom. 

when life stretches you until you can't be stretched there are only 2 choices. 

1. you bounce straight back and hit that mafaker in the face.

2. you break.

I broke down. because i am weak. 

I thought i would be happy living in the city,

driving my own car

having a so called "career" 

and parents would be so proud talking about their eldest because she is working in the city.

and that she can manage her own life.

unfortunately, I am always a small town girl.

always the sweaty awkward fat girl standing in the middle of a cross road.

indecisive.

the city overwhelmed me. 

I can't take the pressure of doing shit that i hate.

every single fucking day, waking up to a job that was per arranged. 

waking up thinking what did i get myself into?

driving to work, into that shit hole. 

I am so not happy with life. I am really unhappy.

i am so unhappy that i cry a lot.

and crying is nonsense. 

and crying for no reason is also nonsense.

crying, having tears streaming down is nonsense.

My father thinks that I am ungrateful.

he himself suffered for 29 years of having a job that he dislike. 

He said, at least it pays the rent and put food on the table.

a job that eats him up for 29 years raised 3 of us.

he said this is life.

but i believe, there's always a choice. 

i can be happy working  and still earn the same amount of money.

I can still pay rents and feed myself.

and i can be happy.

all I've been doing is accepting.

accepting that this is life.

that this is how it is.

sounded just like someone that i used to love.

accepting his imperfections.

but i chose not. 

a relationship is not about accepting imperfections and tolerating.

a relationship, for me at least, is loving each others imperfection.

you've got to love their imperfections. 

because, how much can you accept in a life time?

so here i am, stranded.

I should have stand firm

stay strong 

keep believing in my dreams.

that there will be a place that i belong.  

I am in a state where i don't know what to do anymore.

I just want to quit and withdraw myself for everything.

Just let me go.

I miss the ocean.

24 years of breathing fresh ocean air.

24 years of waking up to the sea.

I miss it all.

I have had my fun in the city, the day trip is over, time for me to go home. 

My sister thinks that this is bull shit and i am stupid for saying all this.

no one understands.

I just need to find a place where i belong. 

come take me away. to a place where dreams exist. 

run away from the cruel reality.

-I have got to stay firm, because this time, i will run.-

 

 

   

Cages

For some reasons I love the images of birds.
I have 3 little birdies tattooed on my wrist
and i plan to tattoo wings on my ankles and a huge pair on my back.

I sometimes feel like a bird, suck in a cage.
Even when I am out of the cage,
my legs are always tied to an invincible unbreakable chain.
The further i go the longer the chain gets.
I will never truly feel free.

My urge for freedom is so strong even just a short bike ride in the city, middle of the night with no helmets on, i would spread my hands wide just to feel the sharp wind cutting through my cheeks and my hair.

I just want to run free with no strings attached.
I want to feel and taste and explore adventures.
to see things, to really live a life
what is life if the sole purpose of living is only to earn more money?
what is adventures when only luxurious things can satisfy our lust?
what is living if only a branded handbag or a designer watch, huge cars and houses can make us happy?

Happiness for me is just waking up early enough to look at the sun rise and the clouds turn red
or even a full moon, lying on the grass looking up at the galaxy of stars.
feeling the evening breeze. walking hand in hand with you listening to your silly jokes. and when the evening sun shines on your face.

All i wanted is to be out from this reality cage.
we are all putting ourselves in cages.
trapping ourselves to categories, fact is we are all the same.
We are all equal.
we are influenced so much by reality when we forget what is truly beautiful.
we forget what is simple happiness.
The reality and rules that we set, to restrain ourselves.


I am not hungry for money.
I am hungry for adventures.
The universe is infinite, why trap ourselves?

No matter how hard i try to run. I am just a nameless blogger. writing her dreams away.

side note: don't get me wrong, i am not saying that we should break the rules to do illegal things. What i meant is, there's so much more out there in the world than lusting for a branded handbag, so much more than trying to fulfill the society wants
so much more than a 9 to 6 job in a lifeless office..
so much more than to get stuck in the jam every single bloody day.

All i want is to break free from the invincible cages.

Who is Madeleine?

I shouldn't be doing this at work. but fuck it, inspirations only come once.

Who is Madeleine?
People at work know me as Madeleine.
my instagram is registered as @madeleineismad 
so who is this Madeleine?
Here goes,

There was once a fat confused girl finished her studies for good.
and come the time where she had to get a job for herself. 
so her aunt called and offered her a job as her Personal Assistant. 
as confused she was, she blindly accepted the offer without thinking of the outcome.
When reality hits, she had to act and dress like a grown up. 
No more side shaves
No more piercing at the lips
Life used to be simple and then, she had to change her name, because the name she had wasn't presentable enough. She never knew that using the fancy names can change people's perception on her. 
so she prayed and she prayed. 
The wicked witch granted her wishes, she gave her a mask. The Madeleine mask.
She had to put on that mask every single morning no matter how sick she is of wearing it.
and as days went by, she found herself more and more confused. 
This Madeleine mask is making her do stuff, bad stuff. 
Things that is so horrible that she had to hide in her car and cry.

This Madeleine mask is deceiving, The innocent look of the mask,  master of twisting stories, of plotting, and getting herself out of trouble. 
Madeleine has no soul. She is just a mask. 
People don't know that, people was so impressed by this Madeleine person they don't care who she really is beneath that mask.
The confused girl gets better at wearing the Madeleine mask, she, herself is afraid that one day she might really be Madeleine. 
Or is Madeleine is this hidden side of her that she never knew. 

confused girl has no idea who she is. what she wants and what is she doing with her life.
Where is that girl that wants to travel the world with her camera and guitar?
long gone the dreams. long gone the adventures. 

What is life when everyone is trying to be special but they are actually, eventually, walking towards the same destination, ends up all the same, at the same place?
There's not really "a special one", it's you. that person deep down in you that makes you. You. only you know what's going on in that heart and head of yours. 
only you know what's the best for you.
only you can decide to put on the mask or giving up your soul to be what you "should be"


I am not just trying to please others by being what they expect me to be. 
So i write. she writes. 

so,
Her only escape is music.
music calms her down.
music pulls her back to grown
music makes her feel her soul again
music makes her feel like life wearing the Madeleine mask is temporary.

she can be herself when she is with music.
she can dance and shout 
she can curse and use foul languages
she can laugh and jump
she can breath. 

-the confused girl just want a fruitful life, she was born a dreamer.- 

2015

6 more minutes to 2 January 2015. I am alone in my room. I figure why not write. and so i did. 

Gosh. Time really does travel in the speed of light.

2014 was indeed a wonderful, magical, amazing, crazy year.
It was so incredible. 

Highlights from 2014.
Met him, 
I shaved half of my head.
Went UK and came back from the trip of my life.
Got my Hons Degree
he came into my life officially
Got a job in the big city
relationship dramas
lost and found my car
more relationship dramas
got a new car
moved house

He was telling me that we have been together for only a year but it felt like a long time, which is true.
It felt like we have know each other for our entire life. It's so strange and explainable. 

Last night was nice.
really nice, being with him is all about appreciating little minor things in life.
I the simplicity when we are together. 
and yes I got my New Year's kiss.
come to think of it we celebrated new year together 2 years in a row. 


In 2014 I do not have any resolution. HUGE mistake. 
Huge mistake to stay in my comfort zone.
not to make the same mistake again, I have clear goals for my 2015. 

2015 is going to be a better year.
a year full of changes
full of challenges
overcoming fears
gaining confident
defeating the monster in you
and a year to do better
a second chance for everyone to do right.
and a year of prosperity and good luck. 


I will cherish this year and try my very hard to achieve my goals.
Not that i am doing new year's crap talk,
I honestly want to complete my goals.

Kinda awkward to share my goals on my blog.
But you will see throughout the year i will reveal bits and pieces of them.

I can't believe that i am 24. 
this is madness.
24!
I was like 18 when i started this blog.
damn. 
I ain't gonna complain and whine like a bitch anymore this year about my life, hopefully.

This will be, maybe the year that i leap into another stage of my life, again, hopefully.
I just got to work fucking hard and hustle and bustle till i reach my goals.

Thank you all for reading my posts all these years. reading my crappy posts about my slightly fucked up life. 
THANK YOU. 
really really mean a lot to me.
Till then, Have a blessed 2015.

-monster under construction- 
-glad that one of your goals is to love me more- 

Walls

Have you ever feel that you never belong to this world.

This world that you are living in.

This world that you can't fit it. 

This world that I never belong to.

This world that spins clockwise.

This world that works only based on labels, judgement, status. 

What are we?

Have you ever sit down and ask yourself. 

What are we?

Have you ever ignore the voices of the world and just listen to the voice of your heart that has been screaming just hoping that you would listen. 

Have you ever truly listen and stop making assumptions and judgments?  

Have you ever truly listen to the stories of our ancestors?

Do you truly understand?  

Have you ever wonder what made us all different?

This wall that we put up.

Is this stupid ignorant wall that we, ourselves put up, to categories, to separate, to divide and conquer.

The universe is limitless. It is infinite. 

Yet we are so small. So small that we are stuck in our own mind.

So narrow that we keep building walls between us inside of us. 

The separation the rich the poor. Religions and races. 

life is complex, 

why must we limit ourselves to labels, expectations that others put on to us? 

What matter most? 

Have you ever ask yourself what is wrong with the society? 

Who made "society"? 

Have you ever ask yourself who are you living for if it's not for yourself?

Have you ever really think about a world with no "walls"?

What would it be like when everyone is the same.

Have you ever ask yourself what is so different?

If I cut his hand and her hand and their hands. What is so different?

The color of our blood is the same.

There's no different.

We are all born the same. with a heart that beats for itself. 

We feel hate 

we feel hurt

we feel agony

we feel happy

we feel life. 

we feel feelings.

So why must there be a wall? What are we trying to separate? Why are we destroying our own kind?

You have a choice to go against the green. 

If not now when?

If not me who?

You have a choice to change for a better future.

You have a choice to live a better life. 

You have a voice. 

You are more.

You are more than just a Chinese, a Malay an Indian. 

We are more than just a Buddhist, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Christian.

You are more than just thin, fat, tall, short, ugly, pretty. 

we are more than just poor and rich.

We are so much more than just race and religions, faces and status.

Together we can do wonder. 

Human unite. 

-you are even more than what you may think- 

Weekend Getaway

I love road trips.
I love driving to new places.

So I went to Sekinchan.

Sekinchan is somewhere near Kuala Selangor, about 1 and a half hour drive from Kuala Lumpur.
I drove down with few of my girls, to visit an old friend.

I have never been to that side of Selangor.
Away from the city.
Away from traffic and polluted air.
Away from responsibilities.
My weekend getaway.

Sekinchan is basically a small town. Where they have both beaches and also paddy fields.
Seafood there is exquisite.
I grow up all my life eating seafood, and yes the seafood there taste like home.
I remembered reaching my friend place and the first thing I felt when i got out from my car was the wind.
Oh the salty sea breeze.
I can feel it flow through my hair and my nostrils.
My first breath there was already welcoming.

We went on a fire fly river cruise.
The atmosphere was peaceful. with crickets singing and mosquitoes sucking our blood.
Everyone on the boat was quiet in pitch black anticipating, watching the fire flies flicking their lights on trees.
Trees along the river sparkled like Christmas trees.
Like stars on the milky way.
I once again realised that beautiful things don't last long.
All the fire flies that were dancing the night away will be all gone in the morning.

Of course we went for food hunting.
Tried various types of seafood and the biggest satay stick ever.
and the night end when we cuddle to bed.

The next day was fun.
Woke up late.
Went to a seafood place that was awfully packed. Worth the wait tho.
After the feed.
The adventure begins.
We went to the beach.
It's funny when the name of the beach reminds me so much about Terengganu. "Pantai Redang"
Unfortunately.
The beach was filthy. A bit of disappointment.

Lucky my dear friend safe the best for the last.
She brought us to the paddy fields just few km away from the congested beach. The beach was definitely a let down compared to the paddy fields.
I guess my vocab is just insufficient to describe the paddy fields.
The sky connects with the golden field.
Good that I took tons of pictures there.
Got a few good shots.
I even tried eating grains.
Tho my friends think that I am crazy for doing that. But who cares.
We ran like little kids. Chasing each other, laughing and screaming.

This makes me wonder.
Why can't we just stay here.
Yes, this exact moment.
Why do we need to pack our bag and head back to the city at the end of the day?
How can it be so different? Sekinchan is only about 20 - 30km away from the city. How can they be so different?

So. the sun sets. and it ended my weekend getaway.
I seldom write about my trips.
but i guess, this trip is worth writing about.

-till we meet again,- 

 

What would happen if we broke up

After a series of chaos and drama in my life.

It has come to a point where my mother wants to meet him.

we don't know what is the outcome. 

I can't even predict. So i will think the worst of it. 

What would happen if we broke up.

1. I will probably be depressed as fuck. 0 self esteem.

2. Lost all my appetite. 

3. I would probably hate everyone around me. Blaming everyone for the breakup. Other people in my life would probably be happy. This is what they want, and this is the sacrifice they want. 

4. I wont smile anymore.

5. I will spend most of my time hiding in my room.

6. I will probably cry my eyes out.

7. I will just waste life away.

8. I will probably cling onto the things that he given me.

9. Probably need to force myself to delete all our pictures and videos of him. 

10. I will talk way lesser. 

11. Probably will think of committing suicide but will change my mind because it is a stupid idea. (or maybe i will do it. Who knows?) 

12.   I will be crying to every single song we sang together.

13. Lots and lots of crying

14. Life will be empty.

15. My phone will be so quiet. 

16. I will probably write more blog post. 

17. Maybe get myself a cat. 

18. Still hating everyone tho. 

19. probably dying from starvation and starting to eat more than usual. 

20. I will probably be like a zombie. 

21. Driving in my car is a torture.

22. Waking up every morning thinking to give him the usual morning call but i probably shouldn't. 

23. hating myself for myself. 

24. I will probably be single with 10 cats.

25. I will start talking to myself.

26. Sleepless nights and horrible nightmares. 

27. life is a living hell

28. I will run away. Yes, just run away. 

29. Run away to a place so far where nobody can reach me and control my feelings.

30. or i will just stay and function like a robot, so that everyone is happy for my sacrifice. 

31. Maybe i will just waste life away. or quit my job or move away.

32. I think breathing will also be difficult for me. 

33. you will slowly see the light in me fade away. 

34. It has come to point where there's no use hating people, and people getting sick of me being depressed.

35. I probably should go seek help. 

36. or i will give up my basic human rights and just let them arrange everything. 

37. everything will probably be black and dull.

38. still hating people. and maybe don't believe in love anymore. 

39. Start to have doubt in everything.

40. clueless.  

I can't think of anything positive to write. not a single one. 

What is so wrong about being in love with the person i love?

What is so wrong about being in love with a Malay guy?

Money is important, why don't you trust us that we can build our future together?

If religion is something good why would it affect my relationship with my family? 

If there's a God somewhere, and God is Love. why are we suffering from this?

Suffering just because we fell in love. 

Everyone is telling me what to do and how to feel.
How can you tell a person how to feel?
The way they say it is so easy as tho i have no feeling of hurt.
The way they say it is as tho i never loved him and our love is cheap.
The way they say go chase your dreams. Is as tho he is not part of my dream.
They way they don't make him your source of happiness as tho they have never been in love.

Talk is cheap. You are not me. You will never know how i feel. how i see things.
Yes, i love getting advice and love from other people.
at the end of the day, do you really know how i feel?

You may say I am stupid I am dumb a dreamer unrealistic. If love is a joke. Why do we even love? Why am i feeling things? or am i delusional? Why it hurts so bad. so bad to let him go? As if it is sucking every single piece of life out of me. 

I am not a demanding person. I just wan't to be with the guy i adore and love. 

What is so wrong when i know he loves me back too. 

If you say i am stupid to make him part of my life, you probably haven't been in love before.

If you say that I have my family and I should sacrifice for them, then why do we have feelings?

Why do we need to find life partners and fall in love?

If you say that i am desperate and useless and I can't live without a man, why God created  Man and Woman? 

  

-Who gives who the right to say he is not the right one for me?-

I am FAT

I really shouldn't be doing this but. fuck it
just hope that my boss is not secretly reading my blog.
I used to blog at work during the dark times.

That is only during the dark times.
too much emotion.
too much work load. This is the only place that i can channel all my emotions where no one is gonna screw me because i talk too much.

so. We had this conversation last night.
about not going public about our relationship.
I am absolutely cool about not putting relationship status on facebook.
I am sometimes insecure.
Oh. no. I am an insecure bitch.
Things got pretty uncomfortable.
Yet we manage to put out the fire.
Good Job to both of us! :)

I honestly never ever thought that my body.
me being fat is an issue to anyone.
Like seriously? You ain't supermodel too you know. Who the fuck gives you the right to judge?
Just get over it.

and i had that same old nightmare again last night.
I hate getting dreams like that.
No. I shouldn't call it dream, it happened.
That night was real. So real that it hit me badly.
I am such a drama queen.
But seriously, It still haunts me every now and then.

So now, the temporary solution to avoid anyone getting hurt is to not be seen together.
Oh yes. can't believe I am doing this. guess i really am in love with this ass hole.
and because I know. our relationship is so much more than that.
So much more than being teased by stupid brainless people.
so much more. so why should we even consider what they say?
Why can't we take it as if they are farting or barking?
they are shallow.
you know you are so much more than that.
you are so much better.

And the mother of solution is me losing all these base.
yes. Losing weight. No matter how hard or how much i try.
I still come back to ground 0.
Lord knows I've tried.
Trying to be positive.
I am doing this for myself.
Yes. this is like my life goal.
Imagine meeting Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson.

you know. my friends are not as skin deep as yours.
but there are still so many things that i am being judge for
no, i am not going to point out your flaws because that is not what you are  made of.
It is because i know this relationship
it is because you are not what they think

and it is because i know you love me.


FOCUS. ACHIEVE. TARGET.
FAT.

Space and Time. Me.

I am living in my own world. Always was.

After what happened few months back, my life now is like a dream.

sometimes i doubt myself. Is this reality or am i hallucinating. 

Living between space and time.
Having you in my life is already almost impossible. 
You loving me is just beyond any words, any love letter, any love poem, any romantic comedy. 
None can describe the feelings that i have for you and never want to let go.

Well, all good thing comes with a price.
you, especially, A price I can barely afford. 

We know our problem. we know.
So today I will talk about this huge part of my life that i rarely want to admit to be a problem.
Honestly, I am a self absorbed person.
Yes I am. I feel that i am beautiful, yes there's nothing wrong with feeling beautiful.

There's just one huge problem. I am a very BIG girl. and by big i mean, my shoulders are freaking broad. and my legs skinny. 
My back fats (flabby and flabbo) and huge boobs, my body builder arms. My broad broad shoulders.
Basically my body is a upside down triangle. 

in short layman's term. I am fucking fat. 

So one day, I decided to feel skinny, to want to go support him on the field like any normal skinny girl friend would. Unfortunately, i was so happy in love i forgotten about other people's perception on me.
Then, he became the laughing stock. then he became the joke. then he got hurt. then i got hurt. 
In the end. we got hurt. i was frustrated. I was confused.
Then i realised, i was living in space, in fantasy all this while. 
He made me feel so confident and good about myself that i never thought other people's perception would hurt him so much.
I never thought that i would face this thing. this stupid childish shallow thing anymore.
only then, i realised, i was living in space, in fantasy land. 

Since that night, that confession, that unforgiving, undeniably cruel truth. 
I stop hanging out with his friends. we stop meeting his friends together,
then, during nights like this, i would feel so worthless. so ugly and horrible so sad so depressed.
monster that haunts me years and years ago, sucking away all my confidence and happiness 

But i understand, this doesn't mean that he don't love me. 
I can't be selfish and only think for myself, he don't deserve this shame.
being with me is like bringing shame to his reputation among his friends.
This is just cruel reality.

That was the price i had to pay. that was the price that i am struggling to pay.

Maybe not him. maybe if i were to fall in love with some random Chinese guy the same thing would happen.
This is just reality. 

I work hard. yes i do.
The process is long.
He said he will never be ok unless everyone's blind. 

Yes it hurts. every single word hurts.
it hurts even more when i knew he had to face his friends.
Their endless fat jokes.
Their endless shaming. 
His reputation.

This is the price i had to pay.
and yes. honestly. my heart is broken into thousand pieces. yes i am sad. and yes i cry every night before bed hoping that i was born skinny and pretty.

Yes this is all fucked up.
I feel like Quasimodo the hunch back of notro dame.

But I love him. He loves me.

there's nothing we can do.
no wonder for him, we are fragile.
for him this relationship will crumble anytime.
for him, he has no confident in this relationship. 


But i love him.

Love.





he wrote me a song. 

reality is just too complicated for a simple human like me. 

This is a weekend blog

What to write on a weekend blog?

and here i go after a month of not updating anything.

Can i just be naked all day and lie on my bed.

Listening to sexy songs all day long.

eating cachos 

eating nachos

eating all day long.

The fountain of inspirations and words for blog had dried up

no matter how much i tried to squeeze.

nothing.

not a drop of idea.

maybe i am living a life that is so empty that i have absolutely nothing at all to write about.

or am i living in a life that is so fully with schedules and routine that every day is just the same to me.

or life itself is nothing when i had to cut my hair and change my name. 

It's time for an adventure.

It was already a year after UK.

I need a life. 

What is life when you spend most of your time stuck in the jam.

working. doing paper works

eating lunch

stuck in the jam again

cursing yourself for stupid decisions

going to the gym to sweat the fuck out just to be accepted.

going home thinking what to have for dinner.

sleep. sleep is the only escape. 

i hate getting nightmares that i cant explain.

I hate getting nightmares that are just memories of the past.

I hate getting the feeling again of the night you pushed me away.

well, damn, it a weekend blog.

feel like taking a shit.

It isn't fair to compare someone's life to someone else's life. 

I am grateful for what i have. just complaining about the life i am having

and how i wish i could just run.

and escape.

 

-hold my hands, lets go for an adventure baby-

31.08.2014

With every death comes with a new born.
Every end of a life comes with a new life.

31 August is significant to me in so many ways.
It's my birthday
It's the day my great grandmother passed away
It's Malaysia's national day.

Everyone say that I am lucky and "special" to be born on that day.
fact is, i never felt special. it's not like i have extra pair of hands or anything
It's just like any other birthdays.

My birthday this year was fun. way fun.
I am tired of huge parties, crowds, alcohol and loud music.
I appreciate spending with my family the one i love.
Went Seremban on my birthday, and i got the best gift i could ever ask for, a small little birthday card made by my cute little cousins.
The last time i received an actual birthday card was years ago.
and they draw, colored it with cute stickers. what more can i ask for?

The best part was all of them sang birthday songs. oh the voice of little children singing is like angles from heaven.

I was in UK last year when she passed. I was in UK last year when i celebrated my 22nd birthday.
time flies.
I really don't know what to feel.
I am confused, and mad and sad and happy. emotions, overwhelmed.

I miss her. i definitely do.
I hate that she did not say good bye.
and why must it be on my birthday?
This is a curse, a day that i would never ever forget.

Being 23 means I am one year older.
Not much changes tho.
I am the same old yoke, except more responsibilities.


So, the day went by, like any other day, like any other day would past.
the day still went by despite it's Malaysia's National day.
despite it's my birthday.
therefore. I conclude there's nothing special about being born on this day.
therefore, birthday means celebrating with love ones, not get drunk and crazy
therefore, i miss you more, and more each day.

I remembered celebrating your birthday.
I remembered that smile of yours.
I remembered every single fucking thing.
I hope you do too.

-i still love you like I did last year today-  
-Happy Birthday Yoke-