Wild hearts

Months since i clicked this link.

Waiting for me.

My fingers itching to dance on the key board like they used to so very long ago. 

The past few months have been magical. 

Chinese New Year was great, just like I expected.

Family time with the cousins. Eating lots and lots of food. 

being free 

Free from anything that would kill my freedom. 

laughing like there's no tomorrow. 

Work. Work. Work.

how can I ever love you? be passionate about you?

Expectations.

Achievements.

Pleasing people.

commitments. 

Walking gracefully, shoulders back chin up. wearing heels and skirts and shirts so tight so neat

make up on, the only thing that I am fighting to keep is my messy hair. 

I love my hair messy, the flow of it. 

I can barely recognize myself. 

Is this life? Is this?

the money, life and happiness, controversial conversation, discussions, arguments never stop.

I just want to run. Run away. 

run away with music.

run away with you.

each and every mistakes and scoldings and embarrassment i got from work just disappears when you are with me.

But. no one understands. all they ever see is the obvious difference. the outer shell that will never define who you are and who i am. 

That shallow surface is all they want to see. 

Funny, they knew treasures are buried deep under. 

Thank you for loving me the way you love  me. 

This cage. How can i ever breakthrough it?

My friends said I live for love. I live to love.

I love, to survive.

I will never get the happiness that I've always yearn for.

so now. Let me embrace life. let me go. 

-hearts are wild creatures. and you caught mine.- 

    

 

The past

Past.

Your past - your shadow.

Your shadow that I hate to even look at it.

The shadow that never seem to leave us alone.

Everything you do it seem to follow.

Everything you do, got to do with it.

I am selfish,

the fact that I am trying to accept your past is hard enough for me to swallow. 

The fact that your past used to hurt me so bad.

The fact that your past made you who you are today. 

The fact that I love you so much that I pushed everything down my throat.

The fact that it's so unfair that they got so much from you, and all I get is shadows. 

 Bits and pieces of them

memories of them still lingers 

the way that songs, places, things, cars, words, food, feelings that reminds you of them. 

the way you tell me your stories.

they are killing me each time. each time that you think of them when we are together.

Promises and lies.

there's no way, no body can change anything.

I'll just swallow everything alone.

This is going to be a lonely road.

and I'll walk because you are what I've always wanted. 

I put my past away, I thought, we are starting a whole new book.

I guess, you couldn't resist but to add some of your past in.

 

Your dark humor that I never understand.

You have no idea how much I hated the fact that she won your heart before I did. 

because of her,

You pushed me aside. 

You hurt me. 

because of her, i had to suffer alone. 

because of her, you have memories of her stuck in you.

because of them. 

It's just matter of time till I explode. 

I just need to let things out guys. 

call me dumb call me stupid.

call me blind.

then you came back. I welcome you with open arms. not knowing what will happen. 

because. I love you. 

-it's not just the heart, it's always the heart and physical pain- 

2014

What's the best way to end the year?  

Mine is, get a midnight kiss and to say good bye 2013, Hi 2014. 

I did not set any resolution this year. New year resolutions are for noobies! LOL
Nah. I'm just really comfortable in this stage of my life right now.

I got a job
I got a car
I got you.

what more can i ask for? Besides getting in shape? 
Well, being in shape is kinda like a whole life goal, i would not consider it as my resolution. 

Honestly, this year is totally different, I mean, new year, it's just another day.
Another day. another day. 
It's like any other day.
There's nothing like entering into a new time zone.

Maybe it's because when in school we change classes meet new friends, but this year, it's just. another holiday. 
don't get me wrong, this is not a depressing post. 
I mean, I do look forward for good things to happen. 
This is going to be an excellent year. :) I hope. 

and it's a miracle that i'm writing this without any music. 
just an open window with some evening breeze and the setting sun. 


Life is good. 
Change is good. 
I guess the only thing i really want now is to do better in my job.
Focus and break through. 
to love something that i never thought i would 
and to be comfortable with my new name new personality is really hard.

but life is just a theater. Let the best actress win. 
Looking forward to Chinese New Year. :) 
I miss my cousins, gosh i just want to hug, squeeze and kiss all of them.

there's this one thing that i hope will not happen to me, that is, no matter how lonely and weird i am. I do not want to spend new year eve or any festive season alone.

I will at least get myself a cat. or a puppy. or maybe a cat. :) 

and lebuh raya bermula. Lets race. 

-don't leave me, ok?- 

It felt right.

The time when everything just falls into place. 
When you know, you are on path. 

that does not happen to me often. 
I am always out of place. always awkward and sweaty.
but with you, nothing seems to matter anymore. 

Fate. Our paths tangled. You hurting me driving me away.
Me stop fighting for what i wanted most, and yet. two diverged road combined.
and there we met again.  

I packed and did not unpack for a long time. What was i waiting for? was it another trip? was it someone coming, pull me out from reality?

Things weren't that simple after all. 
Waiting wasn't the solution anymore. I had to. I had to move. 

I reached Malaysia. It felt right. 
When the cabin door opened i knew. My old friend, the sea breeze is always there to welcome me.
each stroke on my face, whispers "welcome home Yoke." 

Home. 4 letters, such simple word, yet meant so much to me. 
Staying home was the best. I was well taken care of. What I did for the few weeks at home was waking up, working out, tiny bit of house work, meeting friends, watching food network controlling my lust for food. Which did not work out well. 

One day. one phone call. one simple suggestion. just one. and i am off again
Away from home. 
I got a job. A job that I never asked for, never dream of, never imagine doing. and here comes my most dreadful enemy - reality. 
It was awful, horrible, agonizing for the first 10 painstaking days. 
no words to describe how i felt. 
I had to. I had to look for my miracle grass. 
Yes. Miracle grass.
Miracle grass that fuck me up. 
broke me down. 

Changed my name and cut my hair. never thought that I did this just to fit it. Just to satisfy reality. 
Reality is like this dark tunnel. Just hold your breath and make a wish. 

We officially broke off. This is it. This is the end. 
No more making up and breaking up. 
I've had enough of the fucking routine that i had to go through with him.
Just stop.
 Let her go - passenger was the best song for him. He just wouldn't listen. 

And there you came. once again in my life. You annoying ass hole. 
annoying ass hole that i couldn't let go.
annoying ass hole that i want so badly to be with me when i feel like shit.

I would stand at my balcony, waiting for you and your black horse. 
that smile that you gave me each time you see me. 
That genuine smile is all i asked from him. The one that let me go. 
The one that i once thought I love. 

You don't need to fight nor compare, your smile is enough to make my heart stop. 
that smile that makes me call you summer. 
We kissed. and that feeling was. Right. 
being with you is like I've never been in love before.
You are so tall that i had to tip toe kiss you.

So basically, i did not upload any pictures from my Europe trip. 
friends that turned against each other. Was it me? or was it the fact that I am just like this. 
typical Yoke. Yes. typical, cutting off any old classmates. I do not have any explanation for doing what i do. but i just do. 

I drive now. Yes. I drive now, that's a good start. :)
something for me to keep holding on. 
Having a job is like eating up my dreams and childhood pieces by pieces. 
I just hate being an adult, having responsibilities and shit. 

so. good bye days. just 3 little birds on my wrist to remind me of  freedom. 

talking to you for hours felt right.
so are you the right one?
All it takes is three simple words to explain a complicated relationship. I love you. I am still waiting for my i love you. Love. 
-i just want to lalala with you- 

Time to pack

it's a raining September morning. I should be doing and rushing for my Risk management assignment which is killing me from the inside out.
But you guys know me.
I'm terrified. but what's the point?
living but not feeling?

Me rain and my blog.
I couldn't help myself.
August was shitty in it's own way.

My great grandma passed away on my birthday.
:(

Yeah. she was 88 years old.
It was so sudden.
and I couldn't get over the fact that she's gone.
She have been with us since forever.
It's not that i'm very close with her.
But she sure loved me.
I always knew that i was the special one for her.
somehow i'm glad she passed away.
She doesn't need to suffer anymore.
88 long years. the damage that the world had done to her is enough.
all her suffering ends when she exhale her last breath.
I couldn't attend her funeral. Dad says it's fine.
Her passing away brought relieved to my parents especially.
I'm done crying and asking "why on my birthday?"
It's time to move on.

I learnt that
not to let any opportunity slip from my hand anymore.
I should be more friendly to people. there's no need to put on a facade.
I should not care too much about people that don't deserve it. Caring is suffering, suffering ends up crying like a bitch.

it's raining heavier.
i'm getting heavier.
Your name does rimes with mine, but because of that you chose to let me go. i guess you're not worth it.

I'm leaving Sheffield less than a week time.
Can I not?

Congratulations to my friends :)
I long to have relationship like both of you. May God bless you and little baby Hannah.
So happy for both of you.
All the sacrifices and heart breaks and tears are all worth it.

I guess i'm better off with him.
I deserve someone that don't care for what's my outer shell.
for that someone I once loved.
nothing's more important than acceptance.
You are better off doing what you always do.

Time to pack
Time to pack up my luggage
Time to pack up my emotions
Time to pack

You say that you are over me,
my heart-
it skips,
it sinks.

I see you now with someone new,
I stare,
I stare,
I blink.

Someday I'll be over you,
I know,
I know -
I think.

-Langleav-


-Thank you for loving me and accepting my flaws and loving them as much as my smile. -
-I'm learning to love you and accepting your flaws like you did mine- 

Who's gonna stay?

people come and people go is part of our live.
meeting new people and old friends leaving.

I never thought that Sheffield and the people at church would make me so comfortable.
I felt belong there. 
Loved.
Yesterday was farewell for all of us summer semester students.
I was actually sad and for the first time in many months actually feel for other people.
I was a selfish bitch for a very long time. 
It must be God's plan for me to go there, to know him more.

I was so touched yesterday by some of the testimonials they shared i swear, my eyes were blurry and my head started to pound, too many emotions, I felt exhausted.

Everyone's leaving who's gonna stay? 
what are we leaving behind?
It never did struck me until yesterday that i will never, never, maybe in a very long time meet those people again.
It did felt like home, like they will always be there. 

Went to London last week.
was there for 4 days.
How can i ever explain the first time when I was right in front of London Eye.
I merely gaps. 
Laughing hysterically. 
yall know i'm a crazy bitch.

London bridge, Big Ben, Tower of London, St. Paul cathedral, Buckingham palace, British museum.
places only exist in television, in movies, books and postcards and posters. 
I never thought i would step near enough to touch them.
traveling by tubes, getting an oyster card, going underground.

pictures of the trip will be up on my facebook soon. 

I love London, big city, busy people, cars and lorries buses, cabs and bicycles everywhere. 
and when it rains, that misty morning, vividly looking at Big Ben at Trafalgar square.
those little moments that make me feel alive again, that my life isn't so bad to complain about, just a split second to get things out of my mind. 
to get far away from you haunting me. 
sadly when the clock strike 3.
I knew, nothing can be forever. 
few weeks ago I was thrilled when you said you'll wait.
You got me excited about going back, and nothing here matters.
But, how did you change so fast?


I didn't even notice things were wrong. or were they wrong from the very beginning? 
why is it the last isn't always the last?
how can you be so cruel?
what horrible thing happen to you that makes you, you?

can i not leave this place? 
-how does it feel not seeing you forever?-

Sun is dead

Dear music. 
You told me you liked me, but why did you go away? 
never imagined the ending would be like this.

Your name and music will forever be buried deep down in my heart.
You hit me like a Tsunami, one gigantic wave, dragged everything away, gone.
You hit me with numerous after waves, created more damage, as if the first damage wasn't enough
Your words hit me, but i feel physical pain. my heart acually hurts. 

What's done is done
What's yours will never be mine.
Recovery? 
The damage will never be forgotten. 

You sucked the soul out of their eyes
It's my fault to fall into your lies
when you say you never asked for it to happen
you should have known.

Their lifeless eyes tell stories
images of you haunts me.
I once thought my happiness matters to you.
guess, I was too naive.

My friends accused me of losing my mind.
I told them "I am living life, I feel alive."
it's me and my blind optimism to blame. You said. 
We should have know. You fucked me up.
deep down. 
This is all fucked up
It's me and my decision making skills.

You and your complicated life.
Things that you said still lingers in my head no matter how much i try to force them away.
I'll just stay here bleed and say, we are better off this way. 

I feel too much for you and dived too deep. staring at my phone. i know that you won't call anymore. that's cool, cuz now i see and i will be the best of me. 
I never thought that I can be this cool.
one day, it's all i need to get over it. 
one day. 

-this blog is for the broken hearts-
 -the sun is dead-

Old Trafford

This was one of my old drafts when i was in UK last year. 

I wonder why didn't i published it. Weird. 

Hello :)

I visited the Manchester United Stadium today.

Honestly I am not a football freak but the stadium was indeed magnificent.

Imagine the numbers of people during game time.

thousands and thousands of football fanatics cheering  

I am fortunate enough to cheer next week, immerse in the atmosphere.

The glory of the stadium itself is enough to have goosebumps.

Smell of the grass is so fresh on the perfectly cut field.

sitting in one of the seats, imagine David Beckham running.

Or Wayne Rooney trying to score a goal.

yeah that's about it, the players I actually know. LOL

walking around the stadium was tired enough, with my period and stuff.

Then we went to Manchester town.

I can only describe everything with a "Sigh" there.

Yeah. a sigh.

On the way home. I was thinking of you, again and again. 

Obviously your song was playing in my mp3.

This is your game, i wonder why am i so cool about letting you control the game?

What is this?

I miss your old whatsapp status. When you wrote my name.

Oh wonderful times. 

Erh I should've jot down words that came into my mind in the bus! 

damn!

 

Happy songs

Sun set in Norfolk park. Photo by: yiiyoke 

I am sad already, the thought of leaving Sheffield. 

just the thought itself is too agonizing.

but I am starting to miss, miss lots of stuff in Malaysia. 

I miss you the most.

I miss the food

I miss the ocean :(

this is so stupid and fucked up, sun burn in UK? 

why UK? what's wrong? I never apply any sun screen in Malaysia am i'm not doing any different in UK

How did I get so tanned!

Summer! 

Damn! Lynn said I look like some Hawaiian girl. That's a good thing. I guess. 

I am having too much fun here, 6 more weeks to get my degree and good bye study life. 

Was gossiping about diploma shit last night!

Gosh I never knew i miss them so much.

All the crazy things we did. what the fuck! where did my courage went?

I used to be bold and brave.

not now not anymore.

When did I get so terrified of the dark?

when did I care so much?

 Looking at my face I realised, I am really getting old. :( bitched be like "22 ain't old"

shut up. my skin complexion and all, facial needed! 

Spending and walking around seeing new things, huge mansion pretty gardens.

taking pictures perfecting my skills

living life and learning, growing

life lessons, socialising, putting on masks

constant improvement.

eating gaining more weight, i hope you still love me :'( 

I am fucking fat, strangely happier. paradox of life. 

Me time

I love my once a week me time with music. It's like therapy. 
Thank you :) 

this song is so....

For some reason I am staring to love being alone.
Like. I just love walking alone, shopping alone, sitting alone in my room after each meal.

I guess being alone makes me think more. Pictures became clearer. 
Watching people became my favorite thing to do today besides staring at my phone.

I had a extremely hectic, exhausting week this week. sleeping at 6am (this is what you did to me, you music!)
waking up early just to go hiking (peak district pictures will be up on my facebook soon), shopping and stuff. Have to wake up tomorrow for class.
God i need my sleep!

Only music can help me with my Achluophobia, it means afraid of darkness. 
I am a fucking pussy! :( yes i know. 

Went to Bicester village today. Damn! I realised branded high end fashion is so not me!
1. I can't afford shit
2. I don't think that i can pull any of those bags, cloths off
3. I just don't like them, there's no zing.

But I bought a few stuff for my parents and sister. Pampered much.
LOL
sometimes people are just too weird.
I can't understand what's fucking wrong.
Prada, Gucci, AX, Ralph Lauren. 

Shopping alone today was fun! I mean it. :)
I guess I'm just not that type of girl that worship high end fashion.
I just love wearing my cotton on, forever 21 shits. 

I can't imagine myself wearing formal wear everyday to work!
Please i really hate being neat and I love my casual jeans and old t-shirts with flip-flops! holding my old camera walking around taking pictures. 
How can i dress like an adult when i can't even fall in love with any of the outfit that i saw today.
Excluding Alexander McQueen which is horribly expansive!

-damn. life. How am i going to survive?-

Whitby

Hello :)
I am pretty free tonight from doing nothing so i might as well update my blog.

I went to Whitby last Saturday.
and it was great. 
I mean it was more than just great. It was a whole new experience. 

I couldn't believe myself.
Seriously? Whitby?! 

It's a small town near the sea. 
Nothing. Nothing like Kuala Terengganu.
The landscape itself is so magnificent.

I have always dream to go to places like Whitby where everyone is so nice and friendly.
I love love love that people end their sentence with "Love"

"can i help you with that love?"
"morning, Love"
Gosh! why can't Malaysian talk like that?!

I used to think that Cameron Higland is pretty with tea plantation and stuff but Whitby, girl, you took my breath away, and my heart too. 
ate fish and chips TWICE! fat mother fuckers.

Had the best time of my life just taking pictures. Tons and tons of pictures. 
capturing every moment. Everything is so worthwhile. 

Ancient castles, churches, boats, seagull, dogs, people, food, ice cream
the sun the wind ocean waves.

rocks cliffs. I am glad that I went there.
The story Dracula was from there.
Writers inspired to write just by laying down on the green green grass.
smell of the earth.
strong winds and sunny days.


visiting places opens up a lot. This world is too huge for me to just bundle up in my blanket and sob.
I'll walk and see places to feel better next time. :) 

I don't give a shit bitch.
I am just allergic to you! 
Damn! fleas! go away!


-I must go back to Whitby again- 
 

Sheffield

Well hello there :)
Good news! I guess i survived 14 hours of tormenting flight. 
14 hours from Malaysia to UK is not fun at all!
but i guess i'm good. i survived.

Packed tons of stuff. 
I don't think I'll make any tutorials on packing your stuff
but, just listen to your heart, follow your guts and of course do some research.
think logically and practically with a sound, sober mind.
and you are good to go.
that's what i did at least. 

As usual. I am more than happy to go far away
I did not cry or feel sad to see my family leave.
I was relieved! LOL 
It took me one week to mentally accept that i made it to Sheffield Hallam University
After all these years.
I finally made it! 

HEY PEOPLE OUT THERE!
You have been reading my depressing blog for years can you believe it?
Do you feel happy for me? 
DO YOU? 

nice place here Sheffield. I'm here for a week and i think i need some weed to calm my nerves. 
I get panic attacks in my room when ever i'm alone. I don't show it, obviously. you wont catch me crying over some shits or screaming like a crazy fuck on the streets.
this is fucking silly, i actually can't off the lights when i'm sleeping.
Yeap i'm afraid of the dark. and this is getting serious.
Paranoid about every fucking thing.

Here I am, in my room. Lonely as ever
LOL!
nah it' not that i don't have friends.
I'm just searching for more.

I don't know what, but it's like a black hole in my heart 
no matter how much love, joy, emotions felt, i just want more. 
This black hole is slowly sucking the soul out of me.

Sheffield is cold. it's cold when the wind blows as if you can feel it in your bones.
it's colder when i can't hold anyone's hand. 
holding hands and cuddling makes it all better. 
there's a cute little fat cat here. i guess i'll just cuddle him then :)

so much that i want to share. 
i just don't know how.
these emotions wanting to explode from my chest!
can i just scream out loud?!

Away from Malaysia, and the excruciating heat makes me think better. Yeah.
Makes me think a lot.
about what i want in life.
silly little crushes, stupid boys.
pretty things.
guitar drums and music.
classic rock, romantic and fun.
kittens and puppies.
side shave short hair bold.

I'm sorry to leave you behind love.
sorry that you cried and i didn't
I'm sorry for so many things
I can't undo the fact that i'm hurting you everyday
wasting your time, waiting for my text.

I was too excited to get away from everything.
yes. This is my ticket to freedom.

I love you, yes I do.
You are my best friend. and i do not want to lose you.
but.
there's always a but.   
sigh. 
music guitars songs and reality.

music is always fun and happy and makes me smile, same goes to guitar and songs,
but they are always so unpredictable and mysterious. makes your heart race, adrenaline pumping blood flowing.  

on the other hand. reality. is always reality. always so transparent. Transparent and secure. 

which one should i pick? 

Good Bye Malaysia

Hello.
This may be the most historical day of my life.
All these years of waiting and talking about it.
and finally. 

Today.
Yes today.
:)

I'll be leaving this shitty country for, a while.
Just a short while.
enough to create memories :)

years of talking about going to Sheffield Hallam University and here i am today. In my sister's room writing this blog. My last blog from Malaysia. 
I made my parents proud. 
REAL PROUD.

They were telling neighbors, friends, relative and people about me.
My mum even organised a farewell party for me. LOL
it was real grand. 
private room just for the closest family members. I felt like a princess.
They toasted for me. It was my night. :)
For years, i've yearned to be the centre of attraction. and there i was. Eating. 

It' sad leaving what i know behind. but i can't sacrifice what i don't know for what i know. 
It's time. time for me to see the world. 
:)

-Good bye-