City Streets

I did not commit suicide.
No self destruction what so ever.
I am still here.
Minus the major depression
Minus the inspiration to write.

It was only recently, just recently the urge to write was so strong, how can I ignore this sacred calling.
Internet connection at my new place sucks. shit. damn you P1. damn you.

I love watching street performance. I guess it was in me all along. all this time, until we,
yes we came across this place.
How did we came across this place?
Was it coincidence or was it planned. I don't know.
It happen one night, when we were randomly strolling down the city streets,
then, we heard music. clear loud music, since then, that was our favorite place.

What i know is once I'm there, I don't ever wanna leave, it was beyond magical.
Not all of us understand,
not all of us feel the way we felt,
the ambiance,
the people,
the music especially.

People from all stages of life,
from all kind of society, gather for the same purpose - music.

They, the street performers,
human by day, when the night come the monster in them, unleashed.
You will never expect the music they play.
They are so passionate, it is as though when they perform, they submit them self completely,
body, mind, heart and soul.
Their music is genuine, their music is pure, their music is sincere.
from the song they play, you can obviously feel that they did not do this for money. They are in paradise.

At this moment, I feel we are not so different after all,
we are the same, we are equal.
The love for music.
the sound of the guitar, drum, bass, vocalist serenade us.
This is not Kuala Lumpur, this is beyond what the city claims it is.
This is the city I live in. The city that gather people from everywhere.
The city that makes us one.

The ending of a story is always the beginning of another.
I am the story writer.

Yes, I still love him like I love writing.


-feels good to write again- 

Disaster Day 20. War has ended.

Day 20

Went busking with you yesterday.

All those memories.about us.
It was fun at first.
but
you put up that wall all the time.

It really hurt me.
a lot.
how can you be cruel and feel nothing when we go to our favorite place together?
how can you do this to me?

I love you so much. so much.

Sometimes  i feel, it's time to let go.
If you feel nothing towards me but friends, and there will never be a chance of us getting back.
please let me go and stop giving me hope.

I really need you.
all you gave was, nothing.

I don't understand what is it to be afraid.
I promise you I would change.
I really promise you.

I just need you to give me a chance. Why is it so difficult.
If you feel that this 6 months is nothing and you feel that our love is so weak that one small thing like that can destroy it. then, just let me go.


Day 20. The war has ended. No use fighting for what's not worth it.
No use fighting for you anymore
No use fighting for people that will never appreciate me.

You will always have a special place in my heart 杰。
I love you. I still do.

Disaster Day 19

Day 19

you said 12 more days and it's a month since we broke up.
can it not be?
:'(

It all feels the same doing the same thing we used to do.
For me at least.
But you. You put that wall up all the time.

Yesterday was more than intense.
Don't you feel it too?

I wonder what are you waiting for.
Who are you waiting for.
What am I to you?

I will never believe you if you say you feel nothing but just friends.
:'(


I miss you. 杰

Disaster Day 18

Day 18

I just want you to know that no matter what other people think about you
say about you, judge you.
I don't care. I know the real you.
The one deep down in there.
I don't care what mean things they say.
I don't care.
all the shit things that people say about us about you, I'll just pretend that they are barking.

I believe in you. You are not what they think.
You are so nice and smart.
Kind and funny.
Sharp and talented.
no body can love like you.
That are the things I see in you.


I just want you to know that even every single person in this world don't trust you,
please know that I am here.
I will always be on your side. no matter what.

People call me stupid call me dumb. I don't care.
I just hope you see me the way I see you
and love me back like you used to.

:(
not, just as friends.
I want to be your friend, your partner, your shoulder to cry on, your cuddle puff, your life.
I want to be yours and you mine.

You don't need to be afraid. Let me protect you now. I will protect you.
I am not them. They are bitches that broke your heart, I will never ever let them touch you not now not ever.
I won't do any thing that will break your heart anymore. I swear.
You can trust me. You know that.
So give me your hands. Let me hold on to them, lets start again, moving forward, this time, together forever.

Come back to me.

I love you. Always.

Disaster Day 17

Day 17

Went karaok with friends yesterday.

It was fun.
but. nothing is fun without you.

I miss our karaok sessions
and i would be your number 1 fan.

I miss you singing and looking me in the eyes.

I have not much to say.
just hope that someday you would come back to me.

you said you miss me yesterday.  I wonder is it true?


:(

it kills me.
You don't know I am blaming myself everyday.
Every single fucking day. All I'm thinking is all my fault all my fault I am going crazy!

Every fucking seconds for what had happened 17 days ago.
How long do you wanna see me suffer.?

Please. Come back to me

I love you 杰

Disaster Day 16

Day 16

I'm such a trouble to everyone.
I hope that I can get my car soon.

Like real soon.

Yesterday was as calm.
We did text.
You were all funny and cute

I really wonder why are you waking up late this whole week?
Why are you so tired?
What did you do after our phone conversation?
I just block out any negative thoughts of you.

I block it all out. I want to trust you. I don't understand why.

I am really getting use to giving you space. Wishing that you would miss me more.
Sadly you only miss me a little. :(

I miss you.
I hate to say this but I need you back.

Come back to me soon :')

I love you 杰

You are all of them combined. 

Disaster Day 15

Day 15

Same old unproductive day yesterday.
It really suck shit not having a car.
people despises you.
All those trouble just because of me.

I hate myself.
I hate the car stealing low life fucking shit face son of a bitch.
Can he die? Please die a horrible death. Please die a horrible death and no one is there to claim the body.

You were so mean to say it's a lesson for me.
Well you are not 100% wrong. :(
You stupid wall is still up.
:(

It was raining like hell yesterday after work.
Had to wait for cab under the rain.
I was about to go home, but then, i changed my mind.why not?
I went to you.

It's our little tradition that I would always go to you whenever it rains.
and we would sit in my car, waiting for the rain to stop.
and we would listen to music, play games.
raining hugs and kisses are the best. I miss them. I really miss them.

You were happy. I think. You smiled. :)

Yesterday was dull as usual.
I feel color fading from my life.
I miss our crazy adventures.
I miss our little missions to find for food or shops or just somewhere new.
I need you back, partner.

I need you. Please come back to me soon.

I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 14

Day 14

2 weeks since you left me.
Felt like it has been months or even years. painstaking days :(

Yesterday was as dull as before.
took full public transport to work.
am I pampering myself too much?
got used to having a car. taking public transport seems like a pain.

I was weird you asked me why did i start jogging.
I thought you wanted me to have my own life?

besides, running makes me think more, i can see things clearer.

Had long phone calls with you yesterday.
planning for our next road trip.
This is fun.
until you mentioned him.

Why do you need to mention him and spoil everything?
Why?
Yes, it's my choice to go meet him that night.
There's no explanation for what I've done, i just needed someone to comfort me and he seem like the right person that time.

and yes it's your choice to chose her first before me, 
and it's your choice too to hurt me before. 
It's also your choice to let her into your life. 
It's your choice to make her fall in love with you. 
It's your choice to "help" her with her shit that has nothing to do with you.
It's your choice to push me away and pull her in. It's your choice. 

Yes, I met him but i did not push you away, i did not chose him. 
Yes I met him but all i can think about was you, you. 

Where were you when i was crying and trying to pull you back to me?
Where were you when i was crying and shivering inside out?
Where were you when i needed you the most?
Where were you when i needed hugs?
Where were you when my car went missing and i needed you with me?

Where were you when i want to get back?
Where were not there when i need you.

There's no reason for me to go back to him.
You know how much i love you.
You know how much i want you back.
You know nothing happen between me and him.
You know I can get back to him by just one phone call, but i am not going to do it because i know you are the one for me.
You know. I can, but I won't ever see him again.


you wanted me to trust you. so where is your trust to me? 
do not put me in the same place as your exes. i am nothing like them. they are nothing like me.
they will never, can never love you as much as me. 

I need my partner back. I really do.
where are you?
come back to me soon.

I love you 杰

Disaster Day 13

Day 13

This is probably the happiest day of all the days.
Although I miss our lazy Sunday mornings.
our Sunday morning songs.
our Sunday late late lunch.
our Sunday drives
our Sunday starbucks.
our Sunday.

Spent most of the day with my sisters.
Sunday well spent. :)

Thought of a game both for us.
tiny little couple quiz.
i knew you would love it.
you loved that game.
can't deny i'am a genius.

we met.
you wore the shirt i gave you.
looks good on you.
really good.
It wasn't complicated at all last night.
Everything was, just nice.
Oh your smile. I miss it. I really do, and our silly inside jokes.

I miss us just sitting at the bench, giggling away.
that simple happiness with you. That is more than enough to make me happy.


I was basically squeezing the life out of you before.
I apologize for that.
Something just clicked in me, and i thought. this is nice.
giving each other space.

I mean i don't need to rush back from work all stressed up just to meet you.
and you can spend your time with your friends.
This is nice. I wonder why do we rush so much before this?
are we too excited to meet each other?
are we nothing thinking straight?

but, that wall you put up, that freaking wall to your heart.
I promise i will kick it down one day, like i did before.
It is so obvious that we know each other so well.
I was right when i say "you are mine and I am yours. Always"

Please remember the 5 things you love about me. and the 5 things i love about you.
Was it the reason we fell in love at the first place?

why can't we fall in love again?

I still miss us holing hands and you kissing my hand.
We are a team. both of us inseparable. I need my partner back. :(

so please.

Come back to me.

I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 12

Day 12

My day wasn't as good.
Yes we texted and chat.
But you were cold.
as if you don't wanna open up to me.
everything is back to square one.

you don't need to be afraid. It is so obvious that I want to change this.
this relationship pattern.
I am working hard on it.
I know you will see it one day.
You will see how much I want to get you back.
It sucks when I am stuck in here, and your world keeps turning.

Last night was awesome.
:)

I finally realised how it feels to meet new people.
for a second, i thought. maybe, just maybe i can forget about this.
maybe i can let this go.

just move on, if this is want you want.
but every time. you pulled me back.
and the thought of losing you forever swallows me.

Honestly, I am starting to feel afraid for myself.
am i going to hurt myself more?
should i give up?

The only thing i am holding onto now, is that smile of yours and memories of us.
come back to me.

I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 11

Day 11.

Yesterday was the only day that not one single tear fell from my eyes.
Feeling good. Doing good? I hope so.

Yesterday was, nice, I can say peaceful.
like the aftermath of tsunami.
peaceful and ruined beautifully in it's own way.

Had heart to heart conversations with people around me.
I am trying to learn and absorb so much.

Yes I will be a better women, girlfriend, partner, daughter, worker, wife, mother, friend.
updated each post with pictures and memories of us.

:)

well at least if we didn't work out, i'll still have these to remember.
at least they are all i really have to hang on to.

Memories.

It's going to be 2 weeks soon, yet i still can remember the pain like it was yesterday.
I don't feel it as much anymore now.

but it's still there.
yes it's there.

You sang yesterday night. After so long
I've taken so many things for granted.
I was so used to it that I never really show appreciation.
sorry.
I love it when you sing. Your voice is the serenade of my soul.

just come back and take me away again.

I love you 杰

Disaster Day 10

Day 10

What are we?
The first thing that pops up in my mind.

Was I dreaming?
spend the day in office doing absolutely nothing beneficial. unproductive day.
not having a car suck shit!
god.

However, I did get my confirmation, so that's good news :)

Shared the news with you. You were still, you.
well, i guess it's really hard for you to let it go.

We were texting all day, I love that, makes me really happy.
It does.
Boy, I wish you know how much of an impact you have on me.
You make me so happy by just one smile of yours.
See I have, I will always love that sun shine smile of yours.

It's over with him. I told you.
Deep down, you know. You trusted me.

Last night was. Magical and miracle. wonderful like the fireworks before 4th of July.
I hope you felt what i feel.
Feeling so strong, lasted for so long.
I won't forget the day we 1st met.
You and your smile. :)
I really. really hope you felt it.

I believe deep down that tar covered heart, there's till some humanity and feelings left.
I trust you because you always say "I know what I am doing."


I am confused by so many things. but.

I am not going to cry for anything and anyone anymore.
My mom thought me to be a survivor, not some silly girl crying over boys.
I am fighting and doing this for us, because i still love you, so much. so deep. so dearly.
I am changing to be a better person for us because I see there's still hope.
I will do all I can to maintain this relationship because I love you.

until one day. when i see, there's nothing left to fight for, i guess i'll stop.
Maybe someone better out there is waiting for the new me. and that time, i swear i will never make the same mistake twice. and that time, that someone will not let me go this easily.


I cannot promise you how long will this last. But i can promise you, as long as i love you, i will fight.

come back soon.

 I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 9

Day 9

Woke up to your text from last night.
Saying that you lost the bet.

You slept late watching football, I knew you couldn't wake up to work.
Purposely want you to sleep more.
I couldn't sleep well too. Thinking of last night.

The exhibition at KLCC was hectic.
I just couldn't stop thinking about that night.
The good part of it.
made me missed you more.

I wonder what are we right now?
It's not right to push you for answers, i am not going to do that anyway.
I'll just let things fall into places on their own.

It has been too long since we last talked on the phone before bed.
It was nice in a way.
and sad too.

you were. Cold.
so cold that i wonder, when can i ever, what can i ever, how can i ever really melt you heart?
am i not good enough?

I cannot undo what I've done, but I promise you I am learning so much and I would never do that anymore.

But. you are a paranoid ass hole, stubborn, having trust issues. I really wonder, who hurt you this much and made you, you.
What did they do to you.



All you thought about last night, all day were things that I've done that you weren't happy about. What about the things that you did, that hurt me so much, so deep? Think about it.  


  I love you 杰